Culture

Everyone wants to talk: I’m not quite ready yet

Here’s the truth right off the bat. When you lose a loved one, conversations become awkward. People fumble for words. They feel sorrow on your behalf. Often, they want to help. Many will reflexively ask how can I help?

Meanwhile, you feel overwhelmed and bombarded. You may find yourself providing words of comfort to them. You know you might need help, but an odd thing happens. You find yourself pocketing that information and subconsciously assessing skills sets of those offering help. Little by little, as things pop up up, you look over your mental list of potential helpers.

Throughout this process, however, words come hard to formulate. I still don’t pick up all phone calls. It’s hard to talk. It brings with it a bit of wear and tear.

But I am forever grateful for all the outpouring of support. And, I feel blessed to have that circle of support that I have come to realize is bigger than I ever imagined.

The words are starting to come. And, then I imagine it’ll be a deluge.

8 replies »

  1. Your timeline and your son’s are the ones that matter. It will come, in waves. You will deal with each, you will ask for help when you need it, when you’re ready.

    And people like me, far outside, we don’t know how to help, but we care. So ask when you’re ready. And know we’re here. Maybe for when the close people are tired. To read when you need to write. To not disappear because it’s awkward. Missing is worse.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It takes so much time to find back on track…Dad passed away in 2021, and still today it´s hard for me to talk over, to catch helping hands…..I feel your pain and also the blessings from the people around, grateful for the souls who are waiting, waiting until we´re coming back in the sunlight.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. SMiLes Dear Miriam i asked ‘Siri’ Who my Wife is This Morning
    And ‘She’ Said She Didn’t Know As She Couldn’t Find Her in my

    Contact List

    Similar to me After 33 Years in the Working World For Pay
    Altogether Just Searching on my Name With Google Realizing

    i Had No Idea Who i Was

    Any Further Than the
    Similar Siri Cog in the
    Machine i Had Become

    So Far Away From the
    EYes of A Smiling Child

    That Everyday People Said
    i Was Most Pleasant to Be Around
    Even in Adulthood Before All the
    Cumulative Stress Came as A Cog

    in A Machine And TaKinG The Smile
    of A Child away And the Feeling Seemingly

    Forever Now Then Past Any Emotion of Truly Living
    For 66 Months in Only Pain and Numb Yes Hunch
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    Looking For the

    Music of the
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    Again to Be Human for Real

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    A Real Human

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    LoVE iN Peace
    In Peace Again For Real

    Grief And Regret Are Two Most
    Powerful Human Emotions That

    Prove We aRe Real Humans At Core
    in Terms of How Much We Are Able
    to Love Others and How Much Regret

    We Are Able to Experience if We Harm Others

    What i Found With the Modern Western Civilization
    Psychology Profession is That If the Cure Wasn’t in
    Talk Therapy or A Pill Far Beyond Their Purview for Fix

    It Was For Real

    For What Good is it

    To Talk About Your Emotions

    When You Don’t Experience Any

    Nor the Memory if You Ever Experienced

    Them At All Where Do Emotions Reside

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    Dance And Song Free Head to Toe Move All

    Reasons We Create After The Fact of Breath in Life

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    in The Heat of A Global Pandemic Where More Than Ever in Our Modern

    Days People ACross Our World Found Themselves as i Once Did

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    Locked Within Their Home A Perfect Storm For

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    Heaven in Hell He Was Even Talking About Then Finding Out

    i Was Truly Clueless What it Even Means to Have a Soul to Use For Real

    Well No Matter How Slow i Am to Start Off in Terms of The Assessed Weakest

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    me as the Strangest And Ugliest one then True Eventually Becoming the

    Strongest Leg Pressing Dude Now at 62 at Least on One Machine in A

    Military Gym By Far By Far By Far Past Folks 4 Decades my Junior

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    Balancing All FRiEnDS With Gravity From Head to Toe All

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    Far As Emotions Go A Person on that “Wrong Planet

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    my Life i Found No Where in A Soul

    to Pull Out Any Words At All

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    For the Art of Being Human

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    is Never Perfect

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    Dead And Never Alive as Soul in That Present Now of Living

    Real Hell my Name is Not Siri my Name is Not Siri Anymore….

    Epilogue: When my Wife Coded Blue Birthing my Only Child Ryan

    With A Life Threatening Seizure i Cursed The Doctor At First

    For Not Seeing All the Congenital Anomalies in the Ultra Sound

    That Almost Led to my Wife’s Death And Resulted in my Child

    Only Experiencing Pain in his 51 Days of Life As Medical Science

    Did Their Duty to Keep Him Suffering Alive as Long as Possible then

    His Only Real Blessing

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    on HiS Own With No Immune
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    to Return the Blood to His Heart

    Correctly so Many Other Congenital

    Anomalies Watching Him Suffer So Far
    Away Yet So Close Then Yes HiS Only Real

    Blessing in my Arms As He Took His Last

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    Mother Failed

    me For A Boy

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    Father The Same Way i Look at the

    Rest of that ‘Republican Party And Church’

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    or With Napalm For Real Back in My Father’s Days

    Of the Korean War too in Others Ways of Unwarranted Wars

    And Unwarranted Humanity For Real i Was So Happy then That

    He Left At 3 as i Realized i Could Be Him too A Man So Lost From Soul

    There Was No Way to Get Him Back From a Place He Never Got to Go

    i Was A Human

    Boy at Least Once

    And Now i am Real Man Again…

    At Best Son of Woman A Real Human too…

    When my Mother Took Her Last Breath The

    Deafening Silence only Brought The Reality How

    Blessed i am to Carry on Her Tradition oF UNconditional Loving Living

    i Am Her Gift And i Use The Gift She Gave me of SouL AS TreaSure More…

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  4. Grief sets its own time…you’ll one day pass through the majority of it, but some will linger a lifetime. I lost my first husband to suicide many years ago. I didn’t think I would survive it, but I did. And eventually, was happy again, though not a day goes by I don’t think of him. Mostly, the good, though. It will come for you too. 💙

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  5. I’m sure you know this already, but grief has its own timetable. Sometimes it can be hard to apply that to our own grief though. You are being held in the light. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Like

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