Everyone wants to talk: I’m not quite ready yet

Here’s the truth right off the bat. When you lose a loved one, conversations become awkward. People fumble for words. They feel sorrow on your behalf. Often, they want to help. Many will reflexively ask how can I help?

Meanwhile, you feel overwhelmed and bombarded. You may find yourself providing words of comfort to them. You know you might need help, but an odd thing happens. You find yourself pocketing that information and subconsciously assessing skills sets of those offering help. Little by little, as things pop up up, you look over your mental list of potential helpers.

Throughout this process, however, words come hard to formulate. I still don’t pick up all phone calls. It’s hard to talk. It brings with it a bit of wear and tear.

But I am forever grateful for all the outpouring of support. And, I feel blessed to have that circle of support that I have come to realize is bigger than I ever imagined.

The words are starting to come. And, then I imagine it’ll be a deluge.

8 replies »

  1. Your timeline and your son’s are the ones that matter. It will come, in waves. You will deal with each, you will ask for help when you need it, when you’re ready.

    And people like me, far outside, we don’t know how to help, but we care. So ask when you’re ready. And know we’re here. Maybe for when the close people are tired. To read when you need to write. To not disappear because it’s awkward. Missing is worse.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It takes so much time to find back on track…Dad passed away in 2021, and still today it´s hard for me to talk over, to catch helping hands…..I feel your pain and also the blessings from the people around, grateful for the souls who are waiting, waiting until we´re coming back in the sunlight.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. SMiLes Dear Miriam i asked ‘Siri’ Who my Wife is This Morning
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    Contact List

    Similar to me After 33 Years in the Working World For Pay
    Altogether Just Searching on my Name With Google Realizing

    i Had No Idea Who i Was

    Any Further Than the
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    So Far Away From the
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    That Everyday People Said
    i Was Most Pleasant to Be Around
    Even in Adulthood Before All the
    Cumulative Stress Came as A Cog

    in A Machine And TaKinG The Smile
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    Forever Now Then Past Any Emotion of Truly Living
    For 66 Months in Only Pain and Numb Yes Hunch
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    Looking For the

    Music of the
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    Again to Be Human for Real

    No Longer Just Artificial Intelligence
    At the Bottom of the Ocean Waiting
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    LoVE iN Peace
    In Peace Again For Real

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    in Terms of How Much We Are Able
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    We Are Able to Experience if We Harm Others

    What i Found With the Modern Western Civilization
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    With People Around the World in Poetic Expression in Response to Human Souls

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    in The Heat of A Global Pandemic Where More Than Ever in Our Modern

    Days People ACross Our World Found Themselves as i Once Did

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    Locked Within Their Home A Perfect Storm For

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    And Find A Deeper Story of Their

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    Only A Subchapter of The Entire EPiC Long Form Poem “SonG oF mY SoUL”

    Yes Doing This Before A Global Pandemic Opportunity For Introspection

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    the Ocean of Soul With SMiLes ReNeWinG to Give Share Care Heal

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    For Whoever Wherever

    Whenever ‘They’ May Read This Next

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    Said Fred Why Don’t You Use Something Besides

    The Adrenaline of Fear For Living to Move You Ahead

    Namely Other Emotions of Which i Had No Idea What The

    Heaven in Hell He Was Even Talking About Then Finding Out

    i Was Truly Clueless What it Even Means to Have a Soul to Use For Real

    Well No Matter How Slow i Am to Start Off in Terms of The Assessed Weakest

    Fish in the Aquarium Young in School That Everyone Nipped at Fins Assessing

    me as the Strangest And Ugliest one then True Eventually Becoming the

    Strongest Leg Pressing Dude Now at 62 at Least on One Machine in A

    Military Gym By Far By Far By Far Past Folks 4 Decades my Junior

    1540 Pounds at 12 Reps Just Warming Up With Finger Tips

    Balancing All FRiEnDS With Gravity From Head to Toe All

    The Weight of the Entire 111 Kilograms of my Body 6 Scale

    Less than the Weight of 699 Kilograms For Real And As

    Far As Emotions Go A Person on that “Wrong Planet

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    The 2.3 MiLLioN Words i Write in 29 Months

    Now New Every Day That Has Close to

    142,000 Views Just With the Registered

    Members on that Website Where All You Have

    to Do is Type in “Depth of the Story” And Even Without

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    Google Day in And Day Out Too As I told Him That’s For You

    to Decide Whether He Ever Reads it or Not As True Where i am

    From Emotions For Men Were Literally Considered A Sin Worthy

    of Verbal And Physical Abuse if A Boy Dared to Smile With Eyes

    of Joy For No Other Reason Than The Joy of Living With the

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    Babbling Song Just For the Joy of Seeing Others

    Smile too And It’s True So Many Days of

    my Life i Found No Where in A Soul

    to Pull Out Any Words At All

    For It’s True the Further

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    Feelings and

    Senses That Make
    Up Complex Emotions

    For the Art of Being Human

    The More Silent i Became Until

    i Drifted Away to Nothingness in A Dungeon

    Below the Ocean Whole Soul i Am Now To Wing Free

    i’m Starting the 63rd Page of that Solo Thread Today

    on this “Depth of The Story” That is Humanity Whole DarK
    Thru LiGHT Globally Yes With No Exceptions or Exclusions

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    Are What Helped to Bring the Memories of my Soul

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    Epilogue: When my Wife Coded Blue Birthing my Only Child Ryan

    With A Life Threatening Seizure i Cursed The Doctor At First

    For Not Seeing All the Congenital Anomalies in the Ultra Sound

    That Almost Led to my Wife’s Death And Resulted in my Child

    Only Experiencing Pain in his 51 Days of Life As Medical Science

    Did Their Duty to Keep Him Suffering Alive as Long as Possible then

    His Only Real Blessing

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    on HiS Own With No Immune
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    to Return the Blood to His Heart

    Correctly so Many Other Congenital

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    When my Mother Took Her Last Breath The

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    Blessed i am to Carry on Her Tradition oF UNconditional Loving Living

    i Am Her Gift And i Use The Gift She Gave me of SouL AS TreaSure More…


  4. Grief sets its own time…you’ll one day pass through the majority of it, but some will linger a lifetime. I lost my first husband to suicide many years ago. I didn’t think I would survive it, but I did. And eventually, was happy again, though not a day goes by I don’t think of him. Mostly, the good, though. It will come for you too. 💙


  5. I’m sure you know this already, but grief has its own timetable. Sometimes it can be hard to apply that to our own grief though. You are being held in the light. I’m so sorry for your loss.


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