She walked through the park with great confidence. She was feeling a bit off with all the pollen in the air. Yet, she had a bounce to her step. The flowers all around her were bright and pretty. But, that was not why she had a bounce.
She had just received a grand number of accolades. Exuberance had been in the air. It was as if she was she was Sally Field at the Oscars. She had wanted to say “you like me, you really like me”. Well, facetiously so.
See, she didn’t care. She didn’t need to be liked by them to feel confident in herself. That came from knowing her self worth. That was her lifelong gift to herself. They claimed to like her. But she doubted it. And, she was ok. The flowers sure were pretty.
Categories: identity, mental health, photography, Pop Culture, Psychology, society, women
psychologistmimi 
SMiLes It Seems Like All the Flowers
Not Only Like me Yet Love me When i Love Them
And of Course i’ve Learned The True Source of Love
How We
See the
World Indeed
And More Than That
How We Feel and Sense
ALL of Life DarK Thru LiGHT
Marrying the Night Makes
The Day Seem So Flowery
And Merry Indeed With SMiLes…
On the Other Hand Humans Are More
Complicated Than Flowers i’ve Crawled,
Walked, Not Been Able to Talk, Then Talked,
Then Even Danced And Sang in Petals We Share
On the Other Hand i’ve Been The Tattered Fish in the
Aquarium in School Where All the Other Fish Keep Nipping
At What’s Left of Fins With Nothing Left to the Imagination As
They Clearly Let You Know
You Don’t Deserve to Exist
True They were Mostly Cliques
of the ‘First Baptist Church’ only
if i could Have Been A Fetus Then
i might Have Been Safe From Them Yet
Probably Not as my Relative Like That Was
Talked into Ending Her Pregnancy by Her Protestant
Parents to Save Face in All Stuff Social Status Power And Such…
Yep So Much About Life Becomes Different When IT HAPPENS TO YOU
Or Sure me in the Case of All the Bully Boy Onward Marching Christians in
School Who Spit on me Cause i Smiled And They Threatened Physical Assault if
i Did it Again
in Middle School
Halls or Just at the
City Park Smiling at
the Beautiful Day Even
Without Any Flowers in Sight
Just Happy to Have A Backboard
to Play Tennis With And Once Again
Gain Zen Peace As Racquet, Ball, and
Backboard i Became One With All That is in
Meditative Autotelic Flow at 12 Years-Old Yep
They’d Be Smiling too if they Could Generate
All Natural Magic Mushrooms to Smoke Within Hehe
What Can And Will i Say i Was Just All Naturally Born For REAL
A Buddha, Or A Lao Tzu Without even A Word At Three Years
Old Feeling Sensing i am A Leaf Naturally Feeding All of my
Tree Falling to Soils of Forest Floors Feeding All the New Green
Souls That Will Sprout With an Eternal Circle of Life Such A Miracle Now
New to even
Breathe as
If i had Already
Been Here Forever Now
Yet’s It’s true if Any Part of
That Circle of Life Had Been
Broken Since the Beginning of All
That Came to Create me as Just Another
Leaf And Tree of the Forest And Ocean Whole
i Would Not Even
Exist to Feel and
Sense This Great
Experience of Heaven Now
Then One With The Flowing River
Before i Could Even Verbally Speak at 4
At Age Then 3 Looking Across The River
At the Forest As Just Another Living Leaf
and Tree Part of the River And Forest Whole
Just another Integral Part of All that is Forevermore Now
That Without
me Wouldn’t
Even Exist for
me to Feel and
Sense all This Wonder Then And Now True too…
Yet You Know What It Became So Much Harder to Sense
Feel that Way When All the Other Bully Boy Fish Were Nipping
At my Tattered Fins And Even Insisting That the Boy of me Was
Really a Girl
As How Could
i Help that i Had
Fair Skin And Beautiful
Eyes and Eye Lashes And
Hey the Other Boys Had Long Hair
Why was it so Bad that i Wore mine Like that too…
Isn’t That Ironic All the Christian Bully Boys Insisting
A Boy Is A Girl And Then Later Insisting A Boy Can’t Be A Girl
It’s True i’ve Been in A Whole Lot of Shoes in my Life i Know
What it Feels and Senses Like to Be Marginalized That Way
And Believe it or Not Call it Naive or Just Human the First time
i Visited Your Blog And Saw You With 100 Likes and No Comments
It Didn’t Seem Even Human to me Than No one Even Took the Effort
to Say
Hi Like
i Do For
Every Neighbor
i Meet and Greet
on My Dances Around
my Neighborhood i Guess it Depends
on How Big of Neighborhood one Lives in
i Guess it Depends on Where a Person Has Been
And How They’ve Dealt With The Issues in Life and
Where They Are Now Like Do They Even Have Any Oxytocin
Left That Makes it Even Feel Good Anymore to Connect to Other Humans
Where When You Raise
Your Hand up to Wave
At A Stranger Passing
By in a Car it Feels
All Warm And
Fuzzy And
Human
The Way
We Are Just Simply
Evolved to Be if We Aren’t
Just Cogs in Well Oiled Machines
Who Have Lost All Our Drive and Desire
to Feel Warm And Human With Even A Stranger in A Car Passing By…
i’m Really A Living Legend and i Can Say that Casually as a Public Dancer
For 8 Years and 8 Months Now For 16,544 Miles in a Trump Deepest South State and Town…
Yawn Yes Off and On Folks Come Up to tell me How Much They Adore me and Appreciate
me And Even Inspired Their Desire to Live in Tough Times too Just through the Freedom
of A Dance Even Telling me All the Way Back in 2014 When i First Started They Even Dressed
Up like me at Halloween in Middle School And Went Tricker Treating As me then As They Installed
my Front Door As An Adult Just Last Year as A Lowe’s Door Installer Contractor Hehe And Not only
That After A Viral Video
of me Went Metro
in 2018 i got
to the Point of
Actual Discomfort
As Some of the Young Folks
Even Fell to Their knees At Public Stores and
Clasped Their Hands And Mocked Worship to me…
Beautiful College Age Women Squealing With Delight
That i Was Actually Talking to them in Their Clothing Store they
Worked at Shocked really And telling them i AM No one at all i Just
Felt like Dancing And It’s True i Had to Work Really Hard to Even
Talk Store Management in Allowing me to Do it As it Worked So Great
to Regulate my Emotions And Senses For the World The Entire Environment
Around me on the Autism Spectrum not to Overwhelm me never even Comfortable
Before
Age
53
in my
own Damned SKin
In the Human Made World…
And Honestly as i still really
never figured out how to present
my Self Socially Even After 3 College
Degrees only Able to Pass Out Shoes
‘Rentally’ as Such at the Front Counter
at A Military Bowling Center Yet What i Could Do
And What i Could Always Do is Never Stop Loving
The Fact That i Was Alive at Least Then Smiling at the
People Across the Counter i Didn’t Have to Stumble Around
in my Speech All i Had to Do is Smile And i Always Said Thank
You And it Felt Very Warm When They Smiled Back at me and i thought
to myself This
Feels like
Heaven
i hope
i Get to do this
For the Rest of My Life…
i Don’t Give on People as i Understand
How Horrible Life Can Get i Understand that
Not Everyone Even Gets to Feel that Warm and
Fuzzy Feeling inside That Naturally Drives us to even
Have Small Talk to Share about the Weather to Enjoy
A Real Communion
of Warmth
in Humanity
This Way
True i Lost that
too for Many Years
as Just a Cog Oiling
The Machine of Society
When Eventually i Got Attached
to A Screen And Became More Machine than Human
So Cold So Empty Just a Monkey Wrench Trying to fix
A Rusty Old Machine Yet i didn’t realize a Person Could
Lose their Soul
Then They Never
Told You About that
in School They Never Even
Really Explained How it Happens
in Church Either And Now i Understand
i Am Never Gonna Lose my Soul Again
And i Understand The Way to Do that is
Always Give even if People Disappoint me Over and
Over For What they Might Be able to Return to me As
i Realize From my Own Experience How Blessed i am Now
to Even Have the Motivation and the Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
of Humanity
to even
Frigging be
Human Yet of course
It’s Much Easier to Do And
Dance And Sing When One is
No Longer Required to be A Cog in a Machine to Exist…
i Always Remember Where i Am now And Where i Came From too…
i’m Still Despised in Some
Places i’m Still Adored in
Others And Most
of the time
It’s Just Empty
Likes And Nothing much
At All of Humanity That’s REAL
Unless i Step Out of this Machine
When my Wife Really Spends Her Every Day Life
Life for the One Mission to Love me She Naturally Loves to Do
Never the Less i am not one to give up on others easily as I’ve Worn
Way too
Many
Shoes
in Life Not to…
Yep Easier to Dance
And Sing this Now Yes
When i Really Feel and
Sense the Words And they
Just aren’t Empty Detached
Shells Laying Dead on A Beach…
Sea Creature i Will Continue to Swim
Ocean Whole
Wave
Water
Same
To Reach
Out And Touch
Sunshine Within
Day or Night Always TWiLiGHT NeW NoW…
Every Once in a While Someone Returns
A Hello And Not Unlike The Military Bowling Center
It’s Always
Nice to
Find Real
Human Warmth Somewhere at Least…
Yet i’ve Learned At this point not to Expect to
find Humanity
Even Where
i Might Expect it Next…
Yet Still Managing
Never to Give up on it…
Its Really Hard
Some Days Yet
i Breathe Yet i Really still Breathe This Life…
And i Remember Leaves Falling to Soils Do Give Life too..:)
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