You really can’t make this stuff up anymore. Or rather, you can, and apparently people are doing so with admirable commitment and a suspicious amount of PowerPoint.

This week’s dispatch from the “Is This Real Life or Did I Fall Asleep on the Remote?” files includes a story I found regarding an army veteran has come forward claiming he was part of a secret psychic spy program (already a strong start) and that the government is now combing through ancestry DNA databases to identify human-alien hybrids.

Pause.

Sip coffee.

Blink twice.

Because somewhere between “23andMe says I’m 12% Portuguese ” and “the Pentagon is looking for your extraterrestrial aunt Rachel,” we have officially entered the era of bio-paranoia chic.


According to our psychic spy protagonist, the government isn’t just interested in your cholesterol markers or whether you’re predisposed to cilantro tasting like soap. No, no. They’re allegedly scanning massive ancestry datasets to locate genetic anomalies. They are looking for alien DNA hiding in plain sight.

And listen, I’ll say this, that is ingenious.

Not the alien part (we’ll circle back), but the method. If one were trying to find unusual genetic patterns, ancestry databases would be the world’s largest voluntary collection of human DNA. It’s like Coachella for chromosomes.

You don’t need Area 51. You need a login.