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Grieving a friend can be just as painful as other grief

Losing a family member is devastating. When my mom died my worst nightmare had come true. I couldn’t believe I no longer could talk to her and have her fret over my travel. When I my dog died, a year after my mother on a Friday the 13th, I was distraught. My dog was part of the family. Two years prior, my mentor had died tight around the same time of the year. The early part. I don’t quite get how year after year, around the same time, I lost someone.

Then things calmed down a little. Fast forward to last year when five people I knew died. And, not just five people but people in my world orbit. Then I saw a Facebook post which noted that grief over a friend was just as painful as that as grief over a family member. And, most certainly that cam be true. Grief intensity isn’t a straight marked set of categories.

When I lost a friend early in the year last year, I was a bit numb while extremely sad and perturbed. Such a mix state of being can occur. And, I got to thinking as to how I was over the act of grieving. But you don’t necessarily will that away. Everyday, I grieve the loss of my mother. For my dear friend, I do not necessarily grieve everyday for her, but every now and again she pops up in my thoughts. And, I think and am reminded of how unfair life can be. And, I’m still part of the caring circle she assembled to help address her cancer, and eventual death. That last part keeps the grieving a constant. As well as a celebration of her life.

I’m not too sure why someone on Facebook felt the need to remind us all of this type of grief. But it stayed in my thoughts and now it’s onto (virtial) paper. I may need to go on a search for other insights.

25 replies »

  1. SMiLes my Friend An Only
    BLeSSinG About Death IS
    We ALL Have An Opportunity
    to Absorb ALL Love of the Ones
    We Lose And Become That Light
    Higher Now to Spread
    Even More LoVE NoW
    We Will Not Afford
    to Wait for someone
    Else to Come and Do it again..
    When my Mother Passed away
    With No Food Or Drink 8 Days In Hospice
    Care After Undiagnosed Death Bed Stage
    Four Cancer on Valentine’s Day of 2017
    i realized by the
    Silence of Her
    Last Breath
    A Hurricane
    Yes by God
    A Cat
    6
    Force
    of Love
    Gifted by
    Her Still LiveS oN
    iN me The Gift of
    LoVE THeRE iS No
    Greater Force To Carry WayWardS on..
    May That Be The Sentiment You Gift Your Son
    With
    Your
    Last
    Breath
    of Love
    Breathing on
    Seeing ‘Wind’..:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes, you are left so numb that following your daily routine. And one day it so ABSOLUTELY hits you what had happened, it’s as if the very event had taken place just a few minutes ago. Grieving is as different as WE are, taking place at any moment! Just because SHE is doesn’t mean YOU will. It took me 10 years to sink in that my grandparents were gone. Then it hit me SO hard, I had to stand a-back. Is it ok to begin your grief that late?? What will people say? After the immediate reaction that flooded me, I soon realized it’s ok. Grieve however you want for however long. This is YOUR feeling. YOUR heart. May God Bless you in ALL ways, keeping those memories still alive in your heart.

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  2. One of the hardest, if predictable, parts of moving into our ‘forever home’ – a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) is that, even the Independent Living residents have and will continue to leave permanently, and those in hospice or skilled nursing just have shorter time with us.

    I’ve met a bunch of new readers here, and have enjoyed in-person discussions of my novel, and have had the experience of starting to really love one of them, 95, who died in the Spring. I didn’t know she was already on hospice, and it hit very hard. She was a beautiful lady who insisted on talking about me and that book when I went downstairs (one of the best features of this community is that we’re mostly all in the same building) to see her – she was still coherent (my mother, sadly, was not at the end of her life), and just losing energy.

    You know what you are buying into when you come – I’m hoping for thirty years of writing time – but it wasn’t real until other residents became friends.

    Every one is a loss. And, of course, a warning. Not to take life lightly. To tell people you love them. To make plans so your heirs don’t have a ton of work they shouldn’t have to do. To figure out what you believe.

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  3. I also lost a dear friend a few months ago. I am definitely processing. Personally I think of loss and grieving as an ever evolving process. Not linear. It becomes a part of me – like a slight limp over time that you will always have but that does not define or limit you. Xo

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  4. I had a good friend die a week ago. We used to be flatmates when I lived in England. When I visit England , which is a couple of times a year as my son lives there, we always met up. She was a real character and suffered through a long and painful course to death. Saddest of all is that her death was brought about by years of smoking. Lungs went first and then bladder cancer which could not be operated on as her lungs were too bad. I think it will be strange to go to England and not have her there. Also she had a wonderful wayof seeing the world and I will miss that the most,

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  5. Grieving for a friend who has died is different, I think, because the friendship with that person defines a certain time in your life, as opposed to the loss of a mother or a father. Those are people who knew you your entire life. A friend is somebody you made at a certain point in your life and so it’s almost as though that specific point in your life is preserved through that friendship. I’m sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Even reflected grief can be painful. The grandson of a close friend recently died. I never knew the grandson, but the reflected grief from my friend’s close grief was indeed very painful. I grieved with her.

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  7. “The universe wants to be noticed”. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can never imagine losing my mom or any of my close friends. I lost my dog last year because some coyotes got to her 15 days before our birthday. We shared the same birthday. This world, this universe is so unfair, it decides to creep on you when you least suspect it, or when it just feels like being noticed. Nothing I say will make you feel better about it,I don’t know exactly what your going through and I’m not gonna lie and say”I know what your going through”, so the most I can say is I’m sorry.

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  8. I’m sorry for your losses . When my grandpa and great grandma passed it was devastating. I dream about them a lot though and they passed over 5 years ago . I like to think that they’re in heaven showing me they know I’m thinking of them. I find comfort in that at times. I know it’s hard and I csnt imagine losing a friend. You’re very honorable to post this. I hope you can find peace. Great post.

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  9. I feel sorry for your loss. May the universe heal your heart and may you receive the fortitude to bear her demise.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Stay strong, ´Mimi

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  10. I’m very sorry for your loss. I lost my sister in February 2017 and my dear friend in April 2019, so I understand what you mean by this perpetual loss over a certain period of the year. It’s never something to really get over I guess, it stays inside you till the end in some shape or form.

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