There is a song I have been continously humming this past week. Actually I have been humming it for a month or so as my life was starting to feel a bit chaotic. Have you heard of the song by Greg Laswell called Dodged a Bullet? It is haunting and perhaps way too accurate in its mysterious lyrics. But it speaks to me deeply .Has spoken to me.
The song notes “everyone thinks I dodged a bullet. But I think I shot the gun.” Isn’t that the way most of our lives work? We constantly set ourselves up for situations that we need not be in. But our minds are constantly going and churning with no set target. This past month I have been fretting about where and who I want to be. This fretting brought me onto a path that I shouldn’t have been on. I made my life anxiety-ridden when it didn’t have to be. I knew better and I still embarked on a journey that was unwise and stupid overall. I thought of leaving and I didn’t quite know where to or what for. Let me rephrase. I knew where in terms of location and what in terms of what I would be doing but I didn’t actually know why. I kept thinking of this other place abstractly and never visualized myself being there. It was as if I would just flitter about. It just made no sense to have even considered this. It made me postpone thinking of other things I should have been thinking of. But it also gave me carte blanche to not think of these other possibilities. I became stuck in a holding pattern that didn’t have to have occured. My son, made me become unstuck. His grounded little mind noted that while this isn’t New York, he likes it here. why would I put us all on a new joruney when the past two years have been crazy.
Why did I do this to myself? Because “why not”. By following that notion of “why not” I could have disrupted my life horribly once again. And why did I do that? Why not? I hate that answer. Yet I accepted it. Fortunately, I made my way off the path, but why did I put myself there to begin with? Because we are all motivated now by “why not.” Its a new version of YOLO where we just need to do things because there are no reasons not to.
In this day and age, so many people are fretting about matters that are not necessarily necessary. We get caught up in the fake lives that other post on social media. We are made to think everyone’s lives consists of great buff bods, wonderful outings and adventures as well as continous streams of witty reparte. For the most part people are lonely, looking into their soups, wishing they had something meaningful to say to anybody. So, when situations present themselves to change things up, we think “why not”. But do we take the time to think. To just sit and think? Thinking time appears to be a luxury, nowadays. We just need to produce and help keep things moving.
Thus, I found myself congratulating myself in dodging a bullet once I was able to get my act together, but I most certainly shot the gun. And I am not too sure that I will avoid such a fate again in the future. That last part makes me exasperatedly sigh.