Today I admit to being sad

I often digress when I write my random musings; at times addressing my main point deep into the second or third paragraph. And I am thankful that you all have gone along with it.  Today, I hit my main point right off the bat. Well, actually more like fifth sentence in but within the first paragraph.  As I went through the supermarket aisles this past week, looking for Thanksgiving bits,  I thought of my mum. I wished for her to be here. I looked at the Goya aisle and got mad that she left me. Though she died five years ago, I still don’t understand it. I almost don’t accept it except for the fact that I no longer buy her slippers, socks and phones.  Nor do I buy her little Debbie Cakes anymore. And that hurts.
Can I be labeled an orphan when I am past the age of 30? Both my parents are dead. That is what I have to write on any new medical form I have to complete. Which has been quite often the past two years as I have lived in three different cities across the country and that is a lot of new doctors and medical forms to complete.
I don’t know if that sadness ever goes away. At the end of it all, I probably don’t want it to go away. It keeps me grounded and tethered.
I will share this bit with you.  In real life, outside these pages, I am often the happy one. I am the person that tries to cheer others up. The one that people often come to and cry. I’ve never had a couch in my office. I’m too afraid to have to wipe it down quite often. Here is the other bit I’d like to share. Sometimes, I’d like to be the sad one.  Too weird?  I know that during this time of year, everyone suffers just a little bit. You become wistful and wonder what if and you also suffer physical pain from all the gluttony. And we know it will happen and yet our mouths and stomachs continue to get stuffed by the actions of our hands. At the end of it all, I know I have it better than most. I’m not asking anyone to cry me a river. I just wish that for one day the world’s pain and cruelty would wash away.  I am not naive but I can wish upon a star at times.  I read news stories with much trepidation as story upon story features the agony of a child.  We don’t need Hollywood studios when there are so many villains out there.
Inhale. Exhale.

12 replies »

  1. My dad passed away several years ago, and my mom is still alive though we are very estranged. So in a sense I can understand what you’re feeling. I think the grief of losing your parents never truly goes away, and that’s probably as it should be. Sending you hugs and hoping that you feel a little bit better.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Completely agree with a previous comment: my parents talk about their parents and I break down every single time. Especially my maternal grandmother, she was a saint. Sending you a big hug.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Stay Strong, though my parents are alive, I’ve become estranged to the both of them, so I cannot fully relate. But I do understand the feeling of wanting things to be back to the way there once were.


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