Well, here we go again. Another day, another radioactive animal warning. The FDA has now cautioned us not to eat certain Great Value frozen shrimp at Walmart due to possible contamination with a radioactive isotope. Yes, radioactive shrimp. Not just spoiled, not just salmonella-laced, not just “smells like the back of your fridge in July” bad but glowing, comic-book-origin-story bad.

At this point, the world feels less like reality and more like an audition tape for the Marvel Cinematic Universe. We’ve had radioactive cows, mutant fish, and now Walmart shrimp that could potentially give you gills, three eyeballs, or maybe just a really bad stomachache.

But let’s be real: shrimp is already suspicious. It’s basically the bug of the sea. We dip it in cocktail sauce and pretend it’s fancy, but deep down we all know we’re just crunching down on ocean roaches. Add a radioactive isotope, and suddenly you’re not having dinner  you’re playing genetic roulette.

The bigger question is: where are our superheroes? Isn’t this how half of them got their start? Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider, boom: Spider-Man. Some unlucky soul microwaves Walmart shrimp at 2 a.m. in their studio apartment, boom: Shrimp-Man. Super strength? Probably not. But he can wiggle backwards really fast, grow a tough shell, and clean the ocean floor of emotional debris.

Of course, for every superhero, there’s a villain. Radioactive shrimp could just as easily lead to the rise of “The Crustacean King,” who commands an army of glowing seafood and wages war against Red Lobster.

Either way, it feels inevitable. Humanity keeps flirting with disaster, and instead of heeding the warning signs, we scroll past them while adding “gluten-free Oreos” to our online cart. We’re practically begging the universe to give us a reset button or at least a new origin story.

So if you see me glowing faintly in the dark after a late-night Walmart run, don’t be alarmed. Just know that I may be halfway through my transformation. And I promise to use my radioactive shrimp powers for good… mostly.