She had fallen asleep early that night wondering what tomorrow would bring. She had no hopes. She had no fears. It was just a feeling of what if. What if anything. What if nothing. She knew that maybe she wanted something but had no ideas as to what she wanted or if she truly wanted anything. She was just ambivalent about everything. Was this what the French referred to as ennui? Did it even matter if she could label it? She wondered why we had to label everything. Nothing could just remain a philosophical blob. Everything had to have a name, a shape, a point. She just wanted the world to let things stand as they are. As they were.
She tossed and tossed some more. She wondered if she was hungry but couldn’t quite figure it out. Did it matter anyway if she was hungry? She was trying to sleep anyway. Maybe in her dreams she could eat a big, juice burger. Se once had such a dream where she woke up mid-bite. What a dream that was! That is as exciting as her life dreams would get. What was there to get excited about anyway? Everything was the same. Nothing would change.
She wished that she could march to a different drummer. Or at least a drumbeat. She just didn’t have it in her.
She did hear a noise outside. . She shuffled on over to her window. She stared and saw a red-horned man. Was he the devil? She shrugged to herself and changed out of her pajamas. She put on her coat and shoes and walked over to the brightly-lit man.
“You came outside. I wondered if you would”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
……………..Ennui had finally taken over.