The Kids are Alright but don’t let them fart in school or play with hand sanitizer: This week’s wacky news
We are at the midpoint of January. We are now truly taken on 2015. What shall it bring? We all watched the news items where the local new story is about the child born at midnight on New Year’s. The stories are mildly interesting for about 5 seconds. Then that story becomes so last year. Time to move on. Yeah, according to Whitney Houston children are the future. I had to sing about it in my firth grade graduation ceremony. An Oscar-nominated movie told us that the Kids Are Alright. But are they?
Every morning I ponder that and various other questions as I watch the morning news. It’s my daily ritual. I get up, pitter patter to the kitchen and make my coffee. Without coffee and news, I am lost for the day. So, lets ponder away.
What’s in the water? In a town in Missouri, a hospital delivered 6 (yes 6) sets of twins in one month. Supposedly, none of the couples used fertility drugs during their pregnancies. In 2010 CNN/Money and Money magazine ranked Lee’s Summit 27th on its list of the 100 Best Cities to Live in the United States. I suppose it is if you want to have twins and get all your pregnancy stuff done at once! Oh, by the way, there is a shortage of men in the city. Hmm.
Doogie Howser is in the house! I hope this reference does not go over people’s heads. Yet since so many people out there thought Paul McCartney was discovered by Kanye who knows. Anyway, a hospital in West Palm Beach in Florida had a teenage boy posing as a doctor for a month. He was discovered when a female patient was creeped out during her ob/gyn visit. Eww.
Is that a baby on your bottle? I believe many of think it would be wrong to let young children drink beer. However, is it so wrong to show a baby face on a beer bottle? Those that live in the “Live Free or Die” state of New Hampshire seem to think so.
They are not hot for teacher. Yes, that is a reference to Van Halen’s song from the ‘80s. I am just throwing out all sorts of references to the ‘80s and ‘90s today. A group of fourth grade school-children decided they did not like their teacher and that they would use hand sanitizer to kill her. This is most definitely not a Dead Poet’s Society Club.
Farting is not what the cool kids do, dude. A kid in high school in New York (well, Staten Island) was beaten up by a girl because he supposedly farted in her face. Eww. Did I ever mention that many New Yorkers are OK with Staten Island seceding to New Jersey? What do I care? I’m moving back to California. For some reason I am thinking of this infamous internet quote “She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.”
Goo-goo, gaga, rocks. Research study came out this past week noting that the first human conversations were probably about rocks. Think about that next time you hear drunk college men talking at midnight in the subway or when yet another person gets busted by the police for wearing a shirt announcing their criminal activity or when a drunk man on New Year’s eve gets caught for drunk driving and notes that everyone does it man!
Holding it for the Pope. In Manila, cops could either hold it or go in their diapers. Yes, cops were told to wear diapers during the Pope’s visit. I don’t need to say more, do I? Ok. I actually should. See, the Alabama Democratic Party Chair sent out a holiday letter describing the time she got stuck on the toilet. Dear Ms. Chairperson: first off, TMI. Second, grab a diaper. Third, don’t go into public relations.
Glitter never gets old. We have all heard of the urban legend of the old woman at the gynecologist who discovers that glitter never leaves you. Ever. It’s like a Taylor Swift song. Anyway, there is a new company that will ship glitter to your enemies for a small fee. They have been so inundated with orders that they had to stop processing new requests. At first, I thought this story was about that bad Mariah Carey movie (cause that would be also be a good gift for an enemy). However, this is more about those little pieces of colorful material that will haunt you forever. Glitter and diamonds never do grow old.