There was a time in my life when I thought rice cakes were the answer. To what, I’m not entirely sure. Hunger? Diet culture? A deep need for crunch without the commitment? Whatever it was, I answered it with a crinkly plastic sleeve of lightly seasoned air.

I remember the white cheddar ones fondly, sort of like an ex you’re glad you broke up with but still occasionally Google just to see how they’re doing. They had that tangy, fake-cheese zip that made you feel like you were indulging in something, even though your teeth knew better. Because let’s be real: biting into a rice cake is like asking your mouth to do paperwork. Dry. Bureaucratic. Slightly disappointing.

And now? I don’t even know where they’ve gone. Do rice cakes still roam the wilds of the supermarket snack aisle? Are they hiding behind the kale chips, ashamed of their puffed-up past? Or is it just that I, like many others, stopped looking? It’s been years since I put one in my cart—or in my mouth—and I can’t imagine what they cost now. Perhaps they are 7.99 for a multipack of edible coasters?

Honestly, they’re the ghost of  health fads past. Remember when we all pretended that flavorless crunch was a reward for good behavior? “Here, have a rice cake. You’ve earned it.” What a time.

So here I am, a decade older, wiser, and no longer willing to fake-chew my way to satisfaction. Give me a chip with some weight. A cracker with ambition. Or at least a snack that doesn’t feel like gnawing on the Styrofoam packing peanuts of my youth.

To those still eating rice cakes: I salute your commitment. But I also have questions. Chief among them: Why?