Halloween. The one night where you can be anything or anyone—and have an absolutely legit reason to dig through the attic, the closet, and perhaps even the cobwebbed depths of your imagination. No, I’m not talking about a midnight snacking mission for last year’s stale candy corn. I mean that electric thrill of costume planning. I’ve always relished the chance to don some alter ego, step into another world, and take my rightful place on the costume throne.

But this year? The magic 8-ball of ideas is stuck on “ask again later.” Last year, I ruled as the Queen of Hearts—pun definitely intended. The year before, I embraced my inner Deadpool (snark included), and the year before that, I shielded myself as Captain America. Now, though, I need something fresh. Something clever. And yes, something that makes use of the several swords I somehow *don’t* feel are enough to qualify me for a medieval weapons permit.

How does one decide on the perfect Halloween costume when one already has a history of being offbeat, hilarious, and just plain fierce?

Here are some rules I came up with for myself as well as for others caught in a similar bind.

Rule #1: Ponder the Role That Best Fits Your Mood
Feeling a little madcap this year? Or maybe you’re going through a “let’s shake things up” phase? Your Halloween costume should reflect where your head’s at, and let’s be honest—this year has been a swirl of unexpected plot twists, roadblocks, and canceled trips. (Anyone else feel like the outtake reel of their life is longer than the actual movie?)

With that in mind, try an amalgamation of characters. Why not blend a bit of your past personas? A mash-up of Queen of Hearts with Deadpool? Picture it: a blood-red ballgown with a tactical harness and a big “Eat Me” label pasted over a grenade. You could toss in one of your swords for extra drama. Call it the Queen of Snarks. Who wouldn’t bow to that?

Rule #2: Let Your Props Guide the Way
When in doubt, build around what you already have. You’ve got swords? Think outside the box. You don’t have to be a traditional warrior; you can be a sword-wielding librarian or a fencing instructor who moonlights as a pop-up Jack the Ripper tour guide. Remember, the goal is to use the weapon in a way that defies expectations. So, no knights or ninjas here—consider a quirky character that might leave people scratching their heads in amusement and confusion.

A sword-wielding ice cream vendor? Imagine the scoops you could balance on that blade! Or how about a sassy vintage detective whose swords are disguised as oversized feather quills? Get punny, get absurd, and get that element of surprise ready.

Rule #3: Stay Out of the Costume Party Rut
Halloween is a chance to go beyond the typical “sexy-whatever” costume (though, hey, if “Sexy Unsolicited Advice Columnist” is on your list, I’m not judging). But if your aim is to be a bit off the beaten path, think about humor as your North Star. Go for satire, pop-culture riffs, or something that gives a nod to the more ridiculous aspects of everyday life.

Imagine showing up as “The Stress” of the year itself—complete with a sword slicing through a giant calendar. Each month could feature tiny sticky notes of canceled plans or absurd New Year’s resolutions that went awry. It’s catharsis as couture.

Rule #4: Hybrid It Up!
Not sure what to choose? Don’t! Take two (or more) incongruous things and mash them together. You’re not choosing a lane this year—you’re constructing your own bizarre intersection. Want to be a sword-bearing Deadpool barista who brews revenge espressos? Go for it. Feeling a little like a pirate Captain America at a Vegas roulette table? Spin that costume wheel!

And, of course, take advantage of your sense of humor. Your costume shouldn’t just be a look; it should be a statement, an inside joke that only a select few will get—because when they do, you’ll know you’ve found your people.

Some Final Thoughts: Costume Indecision Isn’t Defeat—It’s a Prelude to Greatness
If you still feel stumped, that’s okay. Halloween is a living, breathing entity that evolves. The best costumes sometimes come out of a last-minute stroke of genius or a moment of inspiration while buying those “just in case” bat wings. Don’t overthink it—just channel your inner Queen of Hearts, Deadpool, and Captain America, and slash your way through the fog of indecision. With one of those swords, naturally.

Because when it comes to Halloween, it’s not just about the costume. It’s about the story you tell with it—and this year, your story is going to be a showstopper.