This has been an extremely trying year. And, after each challenge, I felt “excited” about either moving on or making it through to the other side. You don’t go through a year of a spouse’s death, cancer diagnosis or job considerations without holding onto hope. At least, I don’t.  Especially when you have a kid who depends on you to put on a smile on their face and still help them learn who they ate and put them onto a path as to who they will be.

I have had to put on a memorial service and make it the best one there was. I had to make other people feel good. Or rather less bad. I had to go to doctor after doctor until I received some truth. I had to look forward to getting through surgery. And, even the after-surgery was rocky at times fraught with odd emotional landmines. I had to make sure my son wasn’t scared. I had to deal with other people’s insecurities. I had to deal with people’s cersions of their insecurities. I don’t know what I felt at times. Who was I taking care of.? Who was looking out for me? I don’t mean who was looking out for me health-wise. But who was looking out for my emotional well-being and center? Was there any way to not be a robot who was programmed to say and do all the right things to get through an uncertain, scary period? There was. It was my way. And, not everyone will get or appreciate.  Actually, no one will get it. There’s empathy by some. But fear is a really lonely experience with no true companion.

Now, this might sound negative, depressing, or just sad. There was all of that. But there was optimism and joy.  My son turned 15 in August. Hot August. The end of summer. A time of limbo in a way. How perfect. 

His birthday kept me going. I planned his birthday trip. It was a bit random based on miles. By the way, I thank American Airlines for letting me inherit my spouse’s miles. Not many airlines do this.  I ended up in Guatemala and had a lovely time. I had looked forward to this point in time since April. Maybe earlier. I didn’t know until early August, where I would end up. However, I knew since April- when I knew I would need surgery- that I had to take my son on a trip.

Trip has come. I have done. I have conquered. Now, what’s next?