Boy did I go down a rabbit hole

I am more snark than sadness. But today I might just be in a sadness cone of being. Doesn’t mean I won’t be snarky but I don’t readily see it happening. I went down a rabbit hole today. Not the Alice in Wonderland kind. I sure wish it was that. I’d like to try different sized doors to try to go through. Speaking of which, I loved that movie Being John Malkovich. A truly odd film that was really good. I often feel I’m living parts of that movie. I won’t say which ones.

But back to my rabbit hole that wasn’t one in the usual definition of the word. I went to my What’s App messages to place a call. Then, before I could hit the green phone button, I got distracted by some of the old messages in another series of group chats. I specifically came across the caring circle chat where for over a year, we checked in with our dying friend. Then, for over a year we have checked in with one another.

I started reading through the messages of anguish and hope. I read through the messages of assigned tasks we had during her last few days. Then, I read through the more recent messages where we posted photographs and videos of her two babies left behind. One baby is now 1 1/2 years old. I watched him play with a plane. He was grunting and laughing. But not once in that video did he say a word. I wondered if he knew the word “mama”. And, my heart broke. I remembered my son trying to comfort her older son, who is two years younger than my son. He held his hand and told him it would be ok. For a second, I thought he was going to offer me to be the new mom. Luckily, my son didn’t do that. But I was scared in that moment. Illness can strike anyone, at any time. I don’t want to let my mind go there. Her babies look happy and healthy. But do they wonder? What will they remember? I know, I still grieve my mother’s passing. And, she died when I was an adult. And, I will never get over it. And, that’s ok. You see my rabbit hole?

I know I should delete those messages. I have deleted a few. I’m not there yet either in terms of complete erasure. Those messages capture a sorrowful moment in time. I don’t ever want to forget that feeling.

19 replies »

  1. Breath TaKinG my Mother’s Last Breath
    Passing the Baton of
    Inhaling Love to me
    She Still Breathes
    As She exhales
    In all
    i Really
    Breathe for
    All Others as
    She did For me
    We Never Really Die as
    Long as Our Love Breathes


  2. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I know exactly what you mean when you say you want to hold on to that emotion. I think it is part of remembering that we’re human and still alive. And your son sounds like such a wonderful and compassionate young man. You have obviously raised him right. Hugs.


  3. I know the feeling. My friend badly wanted to be a grandmother and soon after she passed, her daughter became pregnant. When I see pictures of the child it saddens me. I know how happy my friend would have been. So unfair and yes it is a rabbit hole feeling.


  4. I’m so sorry, and I wish I could do or say something to help but nothing can really help at times ‘down the rabbit hole’ like this. I do agree though, that pain is there and should be felt, and I don’t think you’ll ever forget, just let go a little of the weight of it all slowly over time. Sending love and hugs your way 🌹
    Caz xx


  5. The Seven Stages of grief. Sounds like you just gut through them, 1.2.3….7 and you are all through. Nope. No one tells you that 2 and 5 will hit you in the back of the head in your classroom. You don’t expect 1 to repeat itself over and over again, maybe in combination with one or more of the others. At traffic lights, in the middle of sentences, the smell of gym socks, a goofy boy mimicking a gorilla just like your boy did. Twelve years later, anger can just shake you like a dog with a rope toy for a whole afternoon. But somehow you manage to take a step, then a few more. And people that know you say, “Good old Bob” he’s got past all that.” You won’t, I didn’t, even if you think you did, you didn’t. You are changed forever at the lost of a close friend or especially a child. Enjoy every second, they will never come again.


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