I am more snark than sadness. But today I might just be in a sadness cone of being. Doesn’t mean I won’t be snarky but I don’t readily see it happening. I went down a rabbit hole today. Not the Alice in Wonderland kind. I sure wish it was that. I’d like to try different sized doors to try to go through. Speaking of which, I loved that movie Being John Malkovich. A truly odd film that was really good. I often feel I’m living parts of that movie. I won’t say which ones.
But back to my rabbit hole that wasn’t one in the usual definition of the word. I went to my What’s App messages to place a call. Then, before I could hit the green phone button, I got distracted by some of the old messages in another series of group chats. I specifically came across the caring circle chat where for over a year, we checked in with our dying friend. Then, for over a year we have checked in with one another.
I started reading through the messages of anguish and hope. I read through the messages of assigned tasks we had during her last few days. Then, I read through the more recent messages where we posted photographs and videos of her two babies left behind. One baby is now 1 1/2 years old. I watched him play with a plane. He was grunting and laughing. But not once in that video did he say a word. I wondered if he knew the word “mama”. And, my heart broke. I remembered my son trying to comfort her older son, who is two years younger than my son. He held his hand and told him it would be ok. For a second, I thought he was going to offer me to be the new mom. Luckily, my son didn’t do that. But I was scared in that moment. Illness can strike anyone, at any time. I don’t want to let my mind go there. Her babies look happy and healthy. But do they wonder? What will they remember? I know, I still grieve my mother’s passing. And, she died when I was an adult. And, I will never get over it. And, that’s ok. You see my rabbit hole?
I know I should delete those messages. I have deleted a few. I’m not there yet either in terms of complete erasure. Those messages capture a sorrowful moment in time. I don’t ever want to forget that feeling.