Children

Boy did I go down a rabbit hole

I am more snark than sadness. But today I might just be in a sadness cone of being. Doesn’t mean I won’t be snarky but I don’t readily see it happening. I went down a rabbit hole today. Not the Alice in Wonderland kind. I sure wish it was that. I’d like to try different sized doors to try to go through. Speaking of which, I loved that movie Being John Malkovich. A truly odd film that was really good. I often feel I’m living parts of that movie. I won’t say which ones.

But back to my rabbit hole that wasn’t one in the usual definition of the word. I went to my What’s App messages to place a call. Then, before I could hit the green phone button, I got distracted by some of the old messages in another series of group chats. I specifically came across the caring circle chat where for over a year, we checked in with our dying friend. Then, for over a year we have checked in with one another.

I started reading through the messages of anguish and hope. I read through the messages of assigned tasks we had during her last few days. Then, I read through the more recent messages where we posted photographs and videos of her two babies left behind. One baby is now 1 1/2 years old. I watched him play with a plane. He was grunting and laughing. But not once in that video did he say a word. I wondered if he knew the word “mama”. And, my heart broke. I remembered my son trying to comfort her older son, who is two years younger than my son. He held his hand and told him it would be ok. For a second, I thought he was going to offer me to be the new mom. Luckily, my son didn’t do that. But I was scared in that moment. Illness can strike anyone, at any time. I don’t want to let my mind go there. Her babies look happy and healthy. But do they wonder? What will they remember? I know, I still grieve my mother’s passing. And, she died when I was an adult. And, I will never get over it. And, that’s ok. You see my rabbit hole?

I know I should delete those messages. I have deleted a few. I’m not there yet either in terms of complete erasure. Those messages capture a sorrowful moment in time. I don’t ever want to forget that feeling.

13 replies »

  1. Breath TaKinG my Mother’s Last Breath
    Passing the Baton of
    Inhaling Love to me
    She Still Breathes
    As She exhales
    In all
    i Really
    Breathe for
    All Others as
    She did For me
    We Never Really Die as
    Long as Our Love Breathes

    Like

  2. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I know exactly what you mean when you say you want to hold on to that emotion. I think it is part of remembering that we’re human and still alive. And your son sounds like such a wonderful and compassionate young man. You have obviously raised him right. Hugs.

    Like

  3. I know the feeling. My friend badly wanted to be a grandmother and soon after she passed, her daughter became pregnant. When I see pictures of the child it saddens me. I know how happy my friend would have been. So unfair and yes it is a rabbit hole feeling.

    Like

  4. I’m so sorry, and I wish I could do or say something to help but nothing can really help at times ‘down the rabbit hole’ like this. I do agree though, that pain is there and should be felt, and I don’t think you’ll ever forget, just let go a little of the weight of it all slowly over time. Sending love and hugs your way 🌹
    Caz xx

    Like

  5. The Seven Stages of grief. Sounds like you just gut through them, 1.2.3….7 and you are all through. Nope. No one tells you that 2 and 5 will hit you in the back of the head in your classroom. You don’t expect 1 to repeat itself over and over again, maybe in combination with one or more of the others. At traffic lights, in the middle of sentences, the smell of gym socks, a goofy boy mimicking a gorilla just like your boy did. Twelve years later, anger can just shake you like a dog with a rope toy for a whole afternoon. But somehow you manage to take a step, then a few more. And people that know you say, “Good old Bob” he’s got past all that.” You won’t, I didn’t, even if you think you did, you didn’t. You are changed forever at the lost of a close friend or especially a child. Enjoy every second, they will never come again.

    Like

I welcome your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s