Oh my. Less than two weeks before Christmas. My son just wrote Santa a letter this morning alerting him to the “fact” that he’s been a good boy this year. as such his letter had about 9 desired toys. I read the letter twice (well, actually I wrote it on his behalf) and there was no mention of Santa’s race or nationality. I am pretty sure my son could care less about Santa’s race as he does not really get that concept. I am brown and he is white and he literally does not see the difference. Reminds me, I better check his eye vision this coming year. Another Christmas season, another ludicrous media-instigated Christmas war.
1. Buckingham Palace nuts. Who knew? Queen Elizabeth is nuts about nuts. Apparently, in a fit of fury over the fact that her guards were eating from her nut bowls she started marking their nut levels. I don’t know about you but I am thinking we can use some similar methods in Congress or the Alaska Governor’s office
2. Faux Sign language interpreter. Wow. Right next to US President Obama, while eulogizing Mandela, stood Thanmsanqa Jantjie interpreting for the deaf. How nice that the needs of all were taken into consideration front and center. Ahem. Problem is Mr. Jantjie’s hand motions were all Gobbledygook. He was faking out the world while allegedly hallucinating up on stage. Security! Seems to me someone didn’t do their job, besides the sign language interpreter.
3. Drunken parking lot guy. Ok. A while back in a business trip in Puerto Rico my two colleagues and I were indeed lost in a parking lot once. It was dark on the western, more remote part of the island and it took us twenty minutes to figure out where we were and how to get out. Of course, immediately upon finding our way out of the parking lot we found ourselves onto a pitch-black road completely surrounded by what seemed to be jungle with the loud roars of lions. I kid you not. Anyway, back here in Connecticut in a police precinct parking lot, Mr. Chibuikem S. Onyebuchi was lost and drunk driving around in endless circles. At least he didn’t have to go far for his jail cell. Note to self- don’t drive drunk in a police parking lot.
4. Scary toilets. First, Samuel L. Jackson made us worry about Snakes on a Plane. Now, Mr. Kwabena Nkrumah is making us worry about snakes in a toilet. According to Mr. Nkrumah from Ghana a snake snaked up the public toilet he was using and bit him in an oh-so-sensitive tip. Ouch. Meanwhile, here in the state of Georgia a woman ended up super glued to the toilet seat in home depot. I must say, if there is anywhere you want to be glued to a toilet seat, besides an actual hospital, home depot is bound to give you a fighting chance with all its gadgets. Over in the state of Kentucky, a man with a loaded gun goes into a restaurant, uses the bathroom, sets his gun on the toilet dispenser and the rest is history. The problem here according to the newspaper accounts is that he actually didn’t have a concealed carry permit. Hmm. You think if he gets that permit he won’t place his loaded gun on a rotating platform again?
5. Flying deer. A deer hit by a car in the state of Virginia was thrown into the air and hit jogger Krystine Rivera on a nearby path. Poor Ms. Rivera. She had gone jogging to clear her mind and decompress after a really bad day. Would “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter help ease her pain?
6. Weird charges. There are some odd criminals out there. There are some weird crimes. Thus, there are some weird charges. A California psychic and her husband were charged with bilking a customer of nearly $1 million in a two-year scam where they convinced the client that he was under a love curse. Wow, I knew someone who was upset over the $5 a NY psychic charged her and she went ballistic until she got the $5 refunded. How do you get scammed out of a million? Over in neighboring Arizona, a couple was a tad bit upset that they didn’t get hashbrowns with their breakfast meal. Things escalated and they called the cops because they were denied their hashbrowns. Well, they indeed were owed hashbrowns. I would be upset if I were looking forward to some ketchup with my breakfast meal and I didn’t get it. But to call the cops? Guys, aren’t there more pressing matters out there? A little further over in Colorado, a 6 year old boy was suspended for giving his 6 year old girlfriend a peck on the cheek. Times have truly changed.
7. The removal of odd body-parts. When I was very very young, I had sort of heard of Bruce Jenner. He was an Olympian. He was a man of amazing feats. Then he married a Kardashian, got plastic surgery and re-entered pop culture for his dysfunctional attention grabbing family. Now that he is separated from the mother hen of the Kardashian clan, he is looking to have his adam’s apple removed. I really don’t think I need to say anymore. On to the southern hemisphere. Over in Colombia, an 82 year old woman had severe cramps in her abdomen. After countless tests, doctors came to find that she had a 40-year old fetus inside her body. Ripley?
8. Uruguay. It seems to me that the country of Uruguay may experience a tourism boom very soon. Uruguay approved world’s first national marketplace for legal marijuana. The 78-year old president pushed for this new law. Guess he wants to live it up during his last few decades.
9. Artistic liberties. So, supposedly creative Sonic Burger employee in Kansas has the task of doing the daily signs. You know those signs that have some pithy, silly slogan to get you in the door. So, this Kansas City creative guy wrote a sign urging the Kansas City Chiefs to “scalp the Redskins feed them whiskey” and send them “2 the reservation.” Hmmm. That restaurant did get a lot of market attention. We have heard of the phrase trophy wife. Well, Mr. Nate Hill, a known performance artist, had a point to make. As part of his latest work he took a nearly-naked woman over his shoulders to tout a “Trophy Scarf.” I should note, as he notes, that there are multiple women involved in his act and they are all white.
10. Miracles. So, the world is a bit upside down at times. There are things that you make you wonder how we have made it so far as a human race. Then there are some miracles. For instance, a man survived 60 hours at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. It was an underwater miracle. A family of 6 in Nevada missing for 36 hours were found alive huddled in their overturned jeep in the frigid Nevada mountains. They had no frostbite and were in fairly good condition. A miracle in the mountains. Little 7 year-old Mady, has brain cancer. Last year her Brussels Griffon named Meko, was lost. In the middle of her treatment a few days back, her dog was found and brought back to her. Here’s hoping for one more miracle for her.
Lastly, I leave you with snow in the Middle East. Nearly three feet of snow closed roads in and out of Jerusalem, and snow sprinkled the houses in Cairo. Last time there was snow in Cairo was over a hundred years ago. A snow miracle?