Culture

This Halloween The Hellmouth Crocodiles Shall Rise As Sinkholes Keep Dragging Us Down

 The Hellmouth rises as sinkholes appear. A call to arms against sinkholes
From beneath you, it devours you –Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Have you noticed lately that the media has been reporting about more and more sinkholes? Or as I would like to argue “hellmouths”. But I will return to that momentarily.  Ten days ago, four people died as a sinkhole “swallowed” a house in Bohol, Philippines.  Several months past, a sinkhole nearly devoured Disneyland. A few months ago, a woman survived a sinkhole she had fallen into while driving down an Ohio Street.  In Orlando, in early June 2013, a swimming pool was swallowed up by a sinkhole. In July, sinkhole developed around 3 a.m. on Old Forest Creek Road near Piney Mountain Road in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. In March 2013, a golfer fell through a sinkhole in Illinois. On June 17, 2013, a sinkhole opened up in Philadelphia oozing out green fluid.  On February 28, 2013 a house, including its male resident, was swallowed whole. The man’s body was never found. In June 2012, a huge sinkhole appeared in Jonesville, Florida Park. Currently, in New Mexico, a man-made cavern is threatening to swallow a whole town. Furthermore, a massive sinkhole down in Louisiana is now over 8 acres in size and it has forced hundreds of people to flee from their homes.  You can see video of the Louisiana sinkhole right here.

Are you scared yet?  Not yet? Did you know that the entire state of Florida is prone to sinkholes?  A lot of people might say good riddance due to Florida’s continuing legal notoriety but we shouldn’t be so quick to be rid of Florida, for where else would we get such richly delicious key lime pie? But in all seriousness, desserts aside, if we were to let the Hellmouth take Florida, where would it stop? Do you know what a Hellmouth is? It tends to open up every Halloween during which the spirits, ghouls, monsters, vampires and all sorts of monsters creep out. The Hellmouth is the entrance to Hell oftentimes depicted as the gaping mouth of a huge monster. In the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series, the Hellmouth is inhabited by the Master-an uber creepy, old vampire. In the real world, I believe the Hellmouth is inhabited by crocodiles that are planning their mad race to take over by rising to the top while we sink further into the Earth.

Recently, fossil skeletons of a very odd land-roaming Cuban crocodile, a turtle and 25 species of birds including a raptor known as a caracara were discovered in a massive sinkhole in the Bahamas.  Caracaras are spooky, haunting, predatory birds and we should take note of their sinkhole hideout. But recall that crocodile skeletons were also found in the sinkhole.  Within the United States, supposedly the American crocodile’s range is limited to the southern half of Florida – with around a population of 2,000.  This number may seem small but it is triple that of the crocodile population in eh 1970s. They are coming back and they are fierce.

Here is a thought: what if these sinkholes are being caused by the return of the crocodiles. They are forming an army and devouring us from beneath?  Skeptical? I mean, it can’t be a worse idea than something Jerry Falwell would come up with, right?

In all seriousness, sinkholes are caused by changing geological conditions or by a failure to maintain aging underground pipes and sewage systems, but the common factor in both is usually water. Sinkholes often appear where mining activity of some sort is occurring. Did you know that crocodiles love saltwater? On May 30, 2010, a massive sinkhole appeared in Guatemala city swallowing a three-story building. Guess what lives in Guatemala? That’s right: crocodiles! American crocodiles have recently been sighted in the Caymans. Which makes sense considering that the Caymans is a vast sinkhole for hidden money and sharks (the human variety). This discovery of crocodiles in the Caymans is leading experts to believe that they may be swimming from Cuba (which is home to a massive American crocodile population outwards.. That is right folks. Crocodiles are gathering an army and will soon take over by sinking us all into the ground. Lest you think this sounds like I am marketing the latest SYFY channel made-for-tv movie (who can forget sharkado), sinkholes can create ghost towns and creepy crawlie creatures.

Have you seen the movie Silent Hill?  You know it is based on a true life sinkhole!  Ok, let me explain. The town of Centralia, Pennsylvania has been steadily losing its residents since 1981.  Yet, the town’s troubles really started back in May 1962 when an underground fire got started.  Because there is a bed of coal under the town, the underground fire has been burning for over 45 years now.  Some believe that the fire will keep going for another 250 years.  During this time of the underground fires, there have also been massive sinkholes appearing throughout the town. Beginning in 1984, residents of the town were bought out of their homes so that they could be relocated to safer places.  As of 2002, Centralia no longer has a zip code.  There are still a few individuals that live in Centralia. As of the 2010 census, there were 10 people, 5 households, and 3 families.  It appears that we need to do a crocodile count. And stat.

Do you believe crocodiles are not capable of being in Pennsylvania?  Just a few months back, Florida officials reported that a crocodile had traveled 350 miles northwards. That is just the one they came across. Who know how many others are out there? Could this be a case for Fox and Scully?  Cue the music.

This Halloween keep an eye out when you walk over a manhole lest you be swallowed up by a Hellmouth sinkhole inhabited by a hungry, ravenous supernatural crocodile.

 

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