The moon. That glowing orb that poets, dreamers, and every starry-eyed tech billionaire seem fixated on. Some see it as the next great vacation destination; I see it as a dusty rock where you can’t get a good bath. Not exactly tempting, right?

Now, don’t get me wrong—I’ve heard all the sales pitches: “Zero gravity! Space exploration! Think of the views!” But for every selling point, I’ve got at least three reasons why I’d rather stay grounded here with a tall glass of water, thank you very much. First off, let’s talk about my skin. I can barely make it through winter without feeling like I’ve been wrapped in parchment paper. The moon? With its vacuum of humidity? No, my moisturizer can only work so hard.

And let’s not forget the thirst factor. I need a regular water source, not just to sip but to soak in—preferably in a nice, bubbly bath. The idea of going days without that just sounds…suffocating. Add to that the trip itself, packed into a claustrophobic capsule with no easy exit? I don’t care if it has a window seat; that’s a hard pass for me.

Then there’s the whole “first explorers” vibe. I’m not a beta tester for space travel! I’m not trying to be a headline like, “Intrepid first civilian… runs out of snacks mid-flight.” And as for “being the first,” let’s just say I’m more of a “last to leave the party” type. I’d rather watch everyone else’s space selfies and think, “Good for them.” I’ll just be here with both feet on the ground, enjoying a cold drink and dry land, thank you very much.

So, moon-seekers, shoot for the stars if that’s your thing. I’ll stay here, happily Earth-bound, with soft skin, plenty of water, and no beta-testing required.