But now I know I wanna win the war…

When my boy was a baby, I took great pleasure in playing music for him and dancing with him while I cradled him.  During my so-called maternity leave (I actually worked most days from home but that’s another bitter story…), I danced around for my son and with my son. I just loved him so much.  It was an immense, overwhelming feeling that I danced to. Once he started smiling, he would smile at my silly moves and my off-tune singing voice.

One song he loved was Viva La Vida by Coldplay. I would just play and play it again.  And he smiled such a treasure of a smile.  He also giggled with abandon at Shakira’s SheWolf. Have you seen the video?  I love those moments of his pure joy.   I wish I could just live in those moments forever more.  But that is what a memory is about. You can recall a great memory in the middle of chaos and you can be settled down for a second or two. I find myself trying to go to those happy places.

He used top also love the Feist song called “1234”. He loved it as there was a Sesame Street version of it. I didn’t actually care much for that song back then. Actually, still don’t.   However. every once in  a while I get an earworm and this week it is a Feist song. It’s called “I feel it all”. Individual lyrics of the song speak to me greatly this week.   There’s this part:

“I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside
Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun”

Then there are these other lyrics that speak to me so strongly this week of emotional and phsyical exhaustion.

“I don’t know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war

Stranded in a fog of words”

See, here is the thing. I can hold a grudge. I try not to hate anyone. I tell my son to never use that word.  I believe no one deserves hate And you shouldn’t do such harm to yourself to hate another. It hurts you more than the other, more often than not.  But, while I try really hard to not hate, I get angry. My ire gets raised. and sometimes I hold a grudge. I can usually get past a grievance against me, but I will admittedly remember it.

I am all about fairness.  I try to be as fair as posisble to other. My Myer’s Briggs noted I have a strong core of fairness in my life orientation. Thus, I feel particularly angry this week when I was not treated fairly. And I was treated unfairly because of the ego of others who cannot see their own faults. (Even when I have email trails, but that is a whole other bitter story)I feel a number of emotions and I feel it all. Hence, my earworm.  I don’t know what I knew before, but now I wanns win the war. Which war?

Here’s the thing. I have love in my life. And thus, I just need to vent for a second and I will go back to that boy’s beautiful spirit, smile and love. Now, while I revel in his love, I will still go onto win the war. Cause I do feel it all and the “truth lies”.

5 replies »

  1. Vent away! I can feel your frustration coming through, but you also brought back some lovely memories for me. I used to dance with my babies, too. We still dance, but now they have a much bigger say in music selection and dancing involves more wild abandon than snuggles. We did love the Sesame Street version of 1234. It’s much better than the original. Hope your day/week is looking up!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. All I know of, fair is here in Minnesota it happens at the end of August and ends Labor Day. If there were any true justice in the cosmos, I’d be dead, though, I’ve been spared to be something more than I am aware of yet. Just got me thinking, Thank you for sharing your struggle/suffering, that’s where we’re refined, I’ve read.


  3. I’m not a mom, but I can well imagine the stress and struggle. And reading this post brought back a wonderful memory of babysitting my now-16 year old nephew when he was maybe 8 months old, and dancing/rocking him to sleep to the sound of The Bee Gees “How Deep Is Your Love.” Wonderful. Hope your week gets better.


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