childhood

The first time I cried watching a movie

Often when you are sad the best medicine, antidote, is a sad song or a sad movie. You get caught up in that emotion and your heart swells and you wallow. You sit and wallow in someone else’s expressed misery. It works for a bit.
A few years back, well a couple decades back, I sat on a couch with an empty heart feeling alone and disconnected. I was on a break from school and couch   surfing.  One of the saddest things you can feel is not having a home, a certain square footage in which to escape and feel safe.  At that point, I Hadn’t a place to call home for over three years. I had an address I could use for correspondence, but it was not my home.  Each night that I put my head down on a couch pillow I wondered how would I get through the next day.  It wasn’t dramatic state if being. It wasn’t that I was homeless on the streets. I just didn’t have a place of my own. And each day I had to pretend things were alright. 
Back to that night. I was better off than usual. I was on a new couch that had less expectations of me and was more welcoming all around. I was not a weirdo necessarily if I decided to sit in the couch, which was ostensibly my home for the time being, all day.  I was ok. Or so I thought. 
I then popped in the movie “My Girl” and I do not wish to spoil the ending for you if you have yet to catch it, but the ending is just one of the saddest endings out there. Most other people that I have asked which is the saddest movie they have seen, often mention “My Girl”.  A movie about two young kids tore me apart and opened up a floodgate of tears. The movie broadly speaking is about a young tween girl named Vada coming of age having lost her mother and being distant from her dad. She somehow believes her mother died because of her. And her dad holds it against her. She makes a great new quirky boy who is a school outcast and the ensuing friendship is adorable and sweet and sadly doesn’t end well. (Spoiler alert ahead) He dies from an allergic reaction to a bee sting he gets while looking for a mood ring in the woods that she had lost. He died trying to find something that would make her happy. Tragic. Unfair. Devastation. 
I watched that scene and couldn’t contain my emotions.  I remembered the time I lost my wallet that contained my little bit of money that would have gotten me home. I remembered that I had been seperated from my mom for a while. I remembered I was an outcast.  I realized that I grieved the loss of my home. I cried with Vada. I cried after the credits rolled. I dreamt that night of her scene of loss. It was overwhelming to confront my feelings. The next day I rewatched the movie but didn’t cry hysterically. I was sad and some tears fell but I then felt better. I had pushed the sadness out.  I was still sad but it was not overwhelming my body. 
I can’t watched that movie anymore. However, I think of it fondly for I remember to my core that emotional release I got.  If needed, I will listen to a sad song. No more sad movies for me.  At least not purposefully. I have that one  sad movie that is still with me in my memories.  I remember the tears and it still helps me move forward.

7 replies »

  1. I believe in wallowing every once in a while. Especially when you had a disappointment or something negative happened to you. It only takes me up to three days maximum to get sick and tired of my wallowing, but then I am ready to move on and put whatever saddened me behind me.

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  2. I cried during A Dolphins Tale. The Dolphins name was Winter, like my daughter. She couldn’t use her fin so they made her a prosthesis so she can survive. At the time, my daughter couldn’t walk and her autism diagnosis was fresh. I cried, in a home that wasn’t mine, on a sofa that replaced my bed, and I cried through the whole movie.

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  3. I remember that movie and having the same reaction to it. I can understand why it hit you particularly hard. I also remember the young actress who played Vada. She has an unusual name which stuck with me so I recognized her as one of the hilarious stars of “Veep.” Talk about a range of roles!

    I also remember going to see the film “Marley and Me,” hoping it would make me cry. I was in the midst of an untreated depression at the time and, when I didn’t cry I guess it was sort of the catalyst in getting me to the right treatment.

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