This week’s Christmas edition of wacky times contains stories of grinches, miracles, holiday drunkenness and good will. One funny image from this past Christmas has got to be that of Mariah Carey wearing a bikini in the snow while out walking her dog. I guess her latest album didn’t do as well as she liked and thus she needed to cause a stir or she wanted to embody and be a walking billboard for her #beautiful song. Either way, she was the one that posted the photo for all to see. So, yes, she felt a grand need for attention. Over in Iceland, elf advocates went into action trying to block the construction of a new road. Iceland has always been on my top ten travel list. Now, I am even more determined to go visit it in the coming year or so. It’s nice to see the vastly underrepresented elf population get some much-needed attention. Seems that while Christmas is a time for reflection, goodwill and family togetherness it is also a time for grand attention-seeking actions. Here are this week’s stories.
1. Santa Claus takes one for the team: In Washington, DC Santa Claus was handing out toys to needy children when someone shot him in the back with a pellet gun. Upon being taken away by ambulance, the Grinch stepped up and continued the giveaway. Meanwhile, the real Grinch that tried to steal Christmas is still unapprehended.
2. Christmas miracles. Tommy Jeglum awoke from a two-month coma that he lapsed into after falling fifty feet from a telecommunications tower. Doctors had been very glum about his chances of waking up. Lo and behold he did just in time for Christmas and his wedding. Speaking of Christmas miracles, could it be true? Justin Bieber tweeted that he was retiring. Dear Santa the world may not have been on its best behavior this past year but we will collectively take this gift and be super appreciative.
3. Christmas spice. Nineteen year old Alain Cassagnol who was pulled over for allegedly speeding in South Carolina was caught with some frankincense and myrrh incense spray, and 5.4 grams of marijuana. All his social media posts indicate that he is a big believer in the benefits of pot. I don’t think he will be able to benefit in jail, though. He was caught in a Mercedes Benz-so I assume he can make bail. Speaking of medicine, it’s no secret that Obamacare had a rough 2013. Now it has to contend with the fact that 1,200 packets of heroin that had the words “Obama Care” and “Kurt Cobain” printed on them were confiscated in a Massachusetts drug bust.
4. Christmas health advice. Christmas time is often seen as a time when diets go out the window and we slip into a collective food coma and sport food babies. But not everyone thinks that should be the norm. Apparently McDonalds wants its employees to be healthy. In that vein, McDonalds told its employees on its website to not choose fast food if they wanted to be healthy. McDonalds has since shut down that site. But can we say schadenfreude?
5. Christmas spirits and liquor. We all partake in a little bit of eggnog here and there. A woman in Colorado, had a few too many Christmas spirits and ended up in the zoo. She specifically hung out in the elephant enclosure. Just like the zombies on the Walking Dead, she may have been led there by the Christmas lights. Luckily, she was not subjected to an elephant stampede. Now to a totally different type of drunkenness. First off, we know all dictators are drunk with power. Now, we must be fearful of dictators that are drunk on power who are also drunk on alcohol. Over in North Korea, their leader Kim Jong Un recently ordered the execution of his long-term advisor and uncle Jang Song-thaek. The execution came as a total surprise. According to recent news reports, Kim Jong Un was reportedly “very drunk” when he ordered the recent execution. A word of advice to Dennis Rodman: be careful of being the dictator’s drinking buddy.
6. Grinch bosses and colleagues. Two days before Christmas a boss in Chicago lets his employees go. Total Grinch, right? The kicker? He did it via email. Bah Humbug! Down in Texas, Mr. Ray De la Cruz was allegedly caught installing a restroom video camera. I just don’t get how people get off on that. I so don’t want to ever, ever see my workplace colleagues using the toilet. I think I now need a drink to erase that image from my mind.
7. Goodwill. In a sweet heartwarming story, firefighters in Massachusetts jumped into freezing water to save Crosby the golden retriever. In Ohio, a construction crew hoisted a dangling Christmas tree over the Akron Children’s Hospital so that the hospitalized kids could see a glittering Christmas tree and have their spirits lifted.
8. Grumpy animals: Down in the southern hemisphere, there was a swarm of really grumpy fish who decided to bite and injure more than 70 people on Christmas day in Argentina. Well, I guess it should have been expected as the location was right near piranha river. Did you really think they would take Christmas off? Meanwhile over in Sweden, there is a tradition of a building a giant straw goat that is meant to symbolize the Christmas spirit. Apparently, not everyone likes it. Vandals have burned down for the 27th time giant straw goat. I am not too sure what is so offensive about the goat. Maybe you have to be there?
9. Punishment for those on the naughty list. Apparently, a man started groping a woman who did not want to be groped and then hit her repeatedly. She eventually went home and to the police. But instead of pressing charges she decided to find the dude on facebook and give him a choice: wear a dunce-cap and sign that declares he mistreats women or face charges. He opted for the public humiliation. Was this enough punishment for being really naughty? Over at Iowa State University, a researcher by the name of Dr. Dong-Pyou Han has resigned after admitting he faked AIDS research data; specifically tampering with HIV vaccine trials. Whoa. That is so going to get him on a long-term naughty list. His punishment is that he will not be able to serve as either a subcontractor with any federal agency for three years, or serve in any “advisory capacity” to the U.S. Public Health Service. Way to throw the book at him. Is there any wonder that belief in science is so low nowadays?
10. Christmas decorations and Gingerbread houses. Whatever happens to gingerbread houses once baked and built? I actually have never eaten one. I have just looked in awe at them. How can you eat something so pretty. Ugly food that is a different matter. In New York, the city that never sleeps due partly to the injection of liquor, caffeine, sugar and spice, a 300-square-foot village made entirely of edible gingerbread, icing and candy, was built and now has been designated as the world’s largest gingerbread village. Who says there are no big houses/spaces in New York? Meanwhile, Mr. Bubba Murphy Lake in Atlanta decided to really go all out for his Christmas decoration. He placed a mannequin with its arms caught up in a string of Christmas lights clinging to a ledge. It looked like someone had been caught and electrocuted in the Christmas lights. It was so realistic looking that neighbors called the police. I don’t get how that is a festive decoration. I thought New York humor was dark. Over in Tennessee, Pastor Brown didn’t quite know what to do for his house’s Christmas decorations. He looked over at his neighbor’s decorations that were quite exuberant and came up with an idea. He got some white lights and made a lit sign that says “DITTO” with an arrow pointing to his neighbor’s wildly decorated house. Word!
This is the last weekly wacky column of 2013. Somehow, I have faith that 2014 will bring us even more wackiness. As always feel free to share your wacky stories and may the year of 2014 be filled with good-natured wackiness that brings us all an endless stream of smiles. Toodles.