Culture

Duct taping bleeting goats and telepathic raping: This week’s top ten wacky people

I have been in a bit of haze. Will the government shut down? I am not too sure that many people care as to whether the government shuts down. It is not like they do much anyway.

1. Duct-tape bandits. Do you remember when US Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge told us that to be prepared for emergencies, by including duct tape in our readiness kits? Well, duct tape has been put to use in many creative ways since. This past week, thieves used duct tape during a home robbery in theft of 23 goats.  Yes, the thieves used sticky tape to keep pregnant goats from bleating during the robbery. Genius. Tom Ridge would be proud.

2. Pope Francis. He has made waves the last few weeks with some interesting thoughts and comments on how we “need to consider the person” when he was asked about his thoughts on gay men. Yet, he just ordered the excommunication of a priest who advocated for women’s rights and gay marriage. What’s the frequency Kenneth?

3. Melanie Selleneit.  Ms. Selleneit was feeling a little weird apparently.  Her concerned husband wanted to help her but needed to know what was wrong with her. Ms. Selleneit’s weird feelings were stemming from being telepathically raped by her neighbor. Her husband wanted to take care of her honor. He, thus, went and shot the neighbor.

4. The referees at the WNBA conference finals. Two female players were called for fouls after squaring up and then pecking each other on the cheek. As they kissed on the cheek the referee went a bit wild and ran in to split them up. Note to self, there is no kissing in women’s football.

5. Cory Booker. It appears that the grand tactics of the glorious Anthony Weiner is living on through Cory Booker, AKA superman. He has been exchanging public tweets with a stripper who wants to be his “first” lady when he becomes New Jersey’s Senator.  At least he is starting his senate run with a tweeting scandal and so we, the voters, will be inured to it all by the end.

6. Ted Cruz. Thank you Senator Cruz for reading a bedtime story to my son. He just started kindergarten and he is really into Dr. Seuss’ stories now.  Senator Cruz read Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor while trying to emulate Wendy Davis’ filibuster sneaker talk.

7. The parents of the 79 pound, two year old.  A Saudi Arabian two-year old boy just received bariatric surgery.  That surgery in itself is crazy to imagine occurring with a toddler. A two year at 79 pounds just makes you wonder what were they feeding him? Here is hoping that the surgery sticks and that this baby does not have to go through this again.

8.  North Carolina school board. They vote every month or so for wacky bans, uniforms and other limitations to individual freedom. Recently they voted to Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man. Then they just rescinded that ban. The irony of course being that that main character exhorts “The unnamed narrator notes, “I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me.”

9. Whoever lost a two million dollar check.  Way back when I lived in Spain. Barcelona, to be exact. My first week there, my friend’s wallet was stolen in a subway car. This week, someone lost a $2,000,000 check in a Madrid subway platform and has not bothered to claim.  Really? Do you have that much money laying around that you can afford to not claim your two million dollar check.  I have heard that if Bill Gates were to drop a 100 dollar bill it would not be worth his time to bend down and pick it up. Two million? WTF?

10. David Gilmour. It is a nice thing when professors, the one’s that mold collective braintrust, say wacky things. Well, wackier than usual. University of Toronto professor David Gilmour, noted “I’m not interested in teaching books by women.”  He likes to read novels by guy guys. Oh, goodie for him.

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