There was a time not long ago ( like Tuesday) when I believed animals had a certain moral code. A quiet agreement, if you will. You stay in your lane, I’ll stay in mine, and nobody touches the ribeye.

And then somewhere in Oklahoma, a dog said absolutely not.

Caught on home security footage (because of course it was), this four-legged opportunist strutted up to a neighbor’s doorstep and casually liberated not one, but two ribeye steaks. No hesitation. No remorse. Just a heist so clean it deserves its own Netflix limited series possibly titled “Ocean’s K9: The Meat Job.”

Meanwhile, across the pond in Brixton, things have escalated from petty theft to what I can only describe as a full-blown existential crisis. A gray squirrel, who are traditionally known for hoarding acorns and judging us from trees, has apparently pivoted. In a now-viral video, it’s perched on a fence vaping.

Vaping.

Not nibbling. Not scampering. Not engaging in wholesome rodent behavior. No, this squirrel has leaned all the way into late-stage capitalism and said, “Give me mango ice or give me death.”

Which raises a deeply unsettling question as to what exactly is happening in the animal kingdom right now?

Because while the world’s creatures are out here committing protein-based felonies and experimenting with nicotine delivery systems, my dogs who are usually chaotic, deer-barking, thunder-panicking, existentially reactive dogs, have been calm.

Suspiciously calm.

No barking at imaginary threats.
No dramatic window sprints.
No moral outrage at passing squirrels (which, frankly, feels like a missed opportunity given current events).

Just vibes.

And I don’t trust it.

Because if one dog in Oklahoma has discovered Uber Eats: Porch Edition, and a squirrel in London has developed a vaping habit, then what are my dogs plotting in their eerie, uncharacteristic serenity?

Are they meditating?
Are they evolving?
Are they simply conserving energy for a future steak-related operation?

Or, and this is the most concerning possibility, have they achieved a level of inner peace that the rest of us, spiraling through group chats and doomscrolling, can only aspire to?

There’s a theory in psychology (stay with me, this is where I justify everything) that behavior shifts often precede major transitions. A quiet before the storm. A recalibration. A gathering of forces.

So either:

1. My dogs are entering their mindfulness era, or
2. They’re about to absolutely ruin someone’s dinner plans

There is no in-between.

In the meantime, I’ll be watching them closely.
Side-eyeing their stillness.
Counting the steaks in the neighborhood.

Because if the animals have taught us anything this week, it’s this:

The wild isn’t out there anymore.
It’s organized.
It’s opportunistic.
And apparently it vapes.

Stay alert. Protect your ribeye. And if your dog suddenly seems too well-adjusted?

You might already be in Act One.