identity

Testing Myself: Thoughts for the Weekend

Testing Myself

 

The last three weeks have been a real test of the confidence I have in myself. I know I am good at what I do. I know I am smart, funny, have integrity, and am quite modest. However, when you do a change in environment and have a whole new group of people to prove yourself to, there are moments when you sit and wonder about your strengths.

 

 

Everyday, the last three weeks, I have gone to sleep thinking of what I bring and how I can help. I wonder of what type of legacy I want to bring about at my new place. I live within two mindsets. One is that I am strong and can do this. The other is that I have a lot to prove.

 

 

Change is often difficult to handle and to bring about. Just ask Obama.   Just by uttering the word “change” does not make it magically appear. Although, just this morning my credit card got automatically upgraded to “elite” and I didn’t even see that coming. I think I travel a lot. I am not too sure what being “elite” gets me other than a laugh for this girl from the South Bronx.

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I wish I were truly elite so that I could access more resources for the marginalized communities for whom I advocate. Be nice if I could just hit “1” on my cell phone and it got me access to the powers that be so that I could rant about the latest injustices I have seen. I wish I could just hot “2” on my cell phone and all the craziness would go away. Yes, where is my “easy button”?   I suppose that “easy button” is somewhere in a cloud readily accessed by others.

 

 

Although, according to a study from 2009, if I were to sit up straight I will have more confidence in my own thoughts. Honestly, I find such research silly.  Try sitting up straight in a chair with a group of angry employees who are scared. Yes, I have confidence, but what does that matter? I still can’t solve their problems. This past week, there was a very angry individual in my office who sat on my couch and dared to tell me that when they talk, everyone listens and that she would get her way as a result. I didn’t flinch, get scared or even raise my voice. I was the ultimate calm person in the middle of a very hostile situation. I am confident, cool and collected which completely threw that person off as they tried to goad me into fighting back.

 

 

However, part of me wonders why do I subject myself to these situations. Several people have asked me that this past week. Obviously, I have a deep-seated commitment to fixing things and helping communities out. Perhaps, however, I have to think of all the time and effort I put in to the situation.

 

 

My primary question of focus this weekend has been “what do I want?” I do hope I can figure that out sooner rather than many arguments later.

 

 

 

 

13 replies »

  1. All I have to say to you is congratulations on ‘winning’ in yourself. Seems like you have dealt with so much over the weeks you state. To stay present, focused, cool and confident in such situations you deserve a hypothetical medal …. from me at least ~ lol. Very best of wishes winging their way to you psychologistmimi.

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  2. I read that thing too about how standing tall improves your self confidence. I thought of it in terms of our son and being able to hold his own at school. If you hunch over and look down, you are a prime target for bullies.
    Good luck with it all and keep breathing in and out through those tense moments. I will be trying to do the same myself.
    Take care!
    xx Rowena

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  3. Reblogged this on Kim is thinking out loud and commented:
    This blog just lifts the courting of so many people, I believe. It’s hard to watch a harsh environment/world, when you are trying to change in the positive way just because you believe you will do justice/ right. I mean: when I followed a MOOC about social psychology I truly believed that If you I would change for the better and learn how our brain works, than I would understand all the things around me. On the end of the road it didn’t solved any problems or changed the world around me. I was changed, but my environment didn’t therefore there was a lot of misunderstandings. And that moment left me wonder: what do I actually want? I tried to change for the better, but it didn’t make me any happier. I couldn’t practice what I was taught, and I wasn’t in the position to teach other what I had learned.

    If that wasn’t enough my environment was unhappy. Why!? I asked with a little anger in my voice and tears in my eyes. I’ve worked so hard on this: following the course, try to change, try to please them. They would tell me they where unhappy, because I was always unhappy all the time: you are always gone and when you are here, you are unhappy!

    I tried to be positive, I wanted to change so they would be happy and the only thing they wanted was a happy Kim. Sometimes we get lost in all our desires to do right, to do justice, to help others or to do so many things to make so many people proud, but most of the time all the things you do is not necessarily what they want. and you have to ask yourself: do you truly want to please others? If it is for your parents, yes. Is it for your friends? No. I mean your friends are your friends: they could have say no, when they said yes at the first please. So change should not be a question. And of course: what do you want. Pleasing others is hard, when you haven’t please yourself at first, I guess. First start to be happy with your self and then you can try to help others I think. If you are positive and happy with yourself than your environment will ‘feel’/ see it and perhaps they are going to act on it out of the blue.

    Never change for other people, always change for yourself.

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  4. Forgive me, Mimi, but you made me laugh from something you say in your first paragraph – the part of being “modest.” You are pulling our legs, aren’t you? I’ve been reading your postings for about a year now, and I never, for one second, thought of you as a modest person. Correct me if I got the wrong impression all this time.

    You find yourself in a position in which so many people have found themselves along the paths we have taken in our lives. There is always a little sliver of doubt that may creep in if we allow it to pop up its ugly head on occasion. But, knowing you, Mimi, from your subjective writings, you will pull this one off in the same way you have done it before!!

    Experience has taught you to put out a fire before it can get started by not rising to the igniting bait. I have every confidence that you will succeed in spite of your wondering if you can succeed. 🙂

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    • Yes, I put in the word “modest” every now and again in my posts as a running joke. I wrote a blog post about this once in that surprisingly people do see me as modest. I interact with everyone on the same level and believe in heavy mentorship. so, have been labeled as modest especially when I go to Puerto Rico. It is the wildest thing. I suppose it is that even though I know I am good at what I do, I don’t walk around as if that means I own the world. 🙂 Thanks for your vote of confidence. Its been a really trying few weeks.

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  5. Most people don’t live in a vacuum. (I pride myself on my spelling abilities but always have to look that last word up.) This means that we have to work with others, even those who are not as modest as we are. (Or should that be “as modest as us?”) The only person whose behavior we can control is ourself. (Or should that be ourselves?)

    Anyway, kudos to you for your self-control and good luck at wrangling your resources in your new office.

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