The last three weeks have been a real test of the confidence I have in myself. I know I am good at what I do. I know I am smart, funny, have integrity, and am quite modest. However, when you do a change in environment and have a whole new group of people to prove yourself to, there are moments when you sit and wonder about your strengths.
Everyday, the last three weeks, I have gone to sleep thinking of what I bring and how I can help. I wonder of what type of legacy I want to bring about at my new place. I live within two mindsets. One is that I am strong and can do this. The other is that I have a lot to prove.
Change is often difficult to handle and to bring about. Just ask Obama. Just by uttering the word “change” does not make it magically appear. Although, just this morning my credit card got automatically upgraded to “elite” and I didn’t even see that coming. I think I travel a lot. I am not too sure what being “elite” gets me other than a laugh for this girl from the South Bronx.
I wish I were truly elite so that I could access more resources for the marginalized communities for whom I advocate. Be nice if I could just hit “1” on my cell phone and it got me access to the powers that be so that I could rant about the latest injustices I have seen. I wish I could just hot “2” on my cell phone and all the craziness would go away. Yes, where is my “easy button”? I suppose that “easy button” is somewhere in a cloud readily accessed by others.
Although, according to a study from 2009, if I were to sit up straight I will have more confidence in my own thoughts. Honestly, I find such research silly. Try sitting up straight in a chair with a group of angry employees who are scared. Yes, I have confidence, but what does that matter? I still can’t solve their problems. This past week, there was a very angry individual in my office who sat on my couch and dared to tell me that when they talk, everyone listens and that she would get her way as a result. I didn’t flinch, get scared or even raise my voice. I was the ultimate calm person in the middle of a very hostile situation. I am confident, cool and collected which completely threw that person off as they tried to goad me into fighting back.
However, part of me wonders why do I subject myself to these situations. Several people have asked me that this past week. Obviously, I have a deep-seated commitment to fixing things and helping communities out. Perhaps, however, I have to think of all the time and effort I put in to the situation.
My primary question of focus this weekend has been “what do I want?” I do hope I can figure that out sooner rather than many arguments later.