childhood

Controlling the nerves even when sad

 

Controlling the nerves even when sad

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When I got on a plane from New York to Spain when I was 16 I was nervous. I was scared of how I would fit in and how I would make my way there on my own. I boarded the plane and left my family behind again, for the second time. I dropped my apple in the bin and tried to sleep on the plane. I did not and thereafter I never really slept on planes. I am still a nervous wreck on flights typing furiously away to keep myself busy and less aware of my fear.  Eventually I settled into my seat and manage to escape for a little bit until the next wave of turbulence.

 

That sense of fear is something I do not feel very often outside of the airplane’s parameters.  When I went to New York ten years ago to pitch myself for a certain job, I did not feel any sense of fear just exuberance. Back then, I perhaps, had experienced a little bit of irrational exuberance as I really did not know what the position would entail. Fast forward ten years, I again did not feel any fear when I went for a new position. Silly me. I have come to the point in my life where my confidence overrides my fear which is both a good and bad thing. But that is neither here nor there.

 

This morning as the sun comes up I am wondering how my fear or lack of fear has brought me to where I am now. I am sipping my coffee in a mug that is not my favorite one as my beautiful big red mug is still back home in New York.  I had a flash of memory that brought me back to two years ago when I actually did experience fear.  I had buried that instance deep down.

 

Two years ago, I was invited to give a presentation to a crowd consisting of people who I knew and would like to impress. I got up onto the stage and was nervous. I did not quite understand why I was nervous. I knew what I was talking about. I knew the topic very well. Yet my stomach was all over the place and my smile was not genuine. I was not feeling like the diva that I usually am. I got through the presentation but was not happy with how it went. As I waited for the question and answer period to begin, I sat on the stage reflecting on my performance I looked down at my scrunched up hands and then it hit me. That was my mom’s birthday and I couldn’t call my mom or give her a shout out during my performance. My mom, at that point, had been dead two years. I sat on that stage and realized my fear had come from sadness. As a grown woman on a stage I still missed my mom. I suppose I always will.

 

Yes, fear can be debilitating at times. At other moments, it can be what grounds us and reminds us from where we came and where we are going.  I hope to keep soaring. Sadly, my mom is not physically here but I can surely use her memory to steady me going forward.

 

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3 replies »

  1. Wow, first of all, great job catching your source of fear. it’s not always so easy to do that. Secondly, my Mom is still with me (although my Dad is not) and she tells me frequently that she’s proud of what I’m accomplishing academically. No doubt, if your Mom was here, she’d be telling you the same. In that, you can be sure that for every speech and gathering you attend, she’d be rooting for you too. My Mom is 70, and she’s frequently on my mind. How much longer will I have her with me? Will she still be here when I get my Master’s/PhD? She’s close to my heart. I understand. :0) Congratz on all you’ve accomplished. No doubt your Mom lives on in you. x

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  2. Reblogged this on Kim is thinking out loud and commented:
    This blog reminds me of that fear I felt of letting go of my fear. A couple of weeks ago I could tell: yeah last year I worked on letting go of my irrational fear and accepting my stress. Because last year, I talked two times with the student psychologist who taught me I haven’t an anxiety disorder, I just had to learn to cope with stress since i am sensitive for that. Eventually when we where in the middle of the proces of letting go of the fear en embracing the stress, I was actually afraid of letting go of the fear. Because: would I still get the great grades I had when I made my exams with tons of fear? Would I lose the pressure, would I lose my discipline when I wouldn’t feel any fear of failing anymore? But now I am glad I am not affraid anymore. I mean I still get anxiouse sometimes. But it is less worse than back in the days… Now it is almost hard to understand why I acted that way I did. I mean, i was litterly affraid before making an exam: do I study hard enough? Maybe I should study more… I was anxious in the middle of making an exam: I don’t know this question, did i do the other questions right? Will i ever get a good grade for this or am I just dissapointing everyone who believes in me? Or, and that was actually the wors, because this fear I had after making my exams would completely paralyze me .

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