childhood

The risk of love and stepping back

“Are you punking me?”

“No. Mom. I’m not punking you”

“Yes, you have to be punking me”

“No, mom. I truly am pregnant”

“Oh my god. I never thought it would happen. You were so convinced you would never have a baby you had me convinced. I was resigned.”

“Well, mom. It is happening”

For the longest time, I would adamantly state I would not have a baby. Or rather get pregnant. I felt that motherhood was not for me. I was not one of those people that would go super gaga or even just gaga over seeing a baby. I was also extremely scared of the birthing process with grand visions of passing out from the pain. Yet upon learning that I was pregnant everything changed. It would be the biggest risk I would be taking. Many do not see parenting as a risky proposition. However, there are so many twists and turns in that parenting journey. Those twists and turns start at the very beginning in the midst of pregnancy.

Here in the United States, they fill your head with all sorts of pregnancy worries. At 13 weeks I was advised some tests showed possible abnormalities and that I needed to do genetic counseling. They also put forth a test riskier than an amniocentesis. I listened and declined the test. I had gone through so many changes in my life perceptions and wants that there was no way I would risk my pregnancy. Every week or so, I would be subjected to yet another test. Pregnancy, in the United States, is often treated as a risky proposition. Interestingly, the United States has one of the higher mortality rates for childbirth. I remember hen I finally did do the amniocentesis it came back inconclusive in terms of spina bifida. I looked into what may lead to that and found that extremely hot baths and hot tubs could be a factor. I had a moment of panic, as I have always loved baths and had taken many when I did not know I was pregnant. I screamed out loud “oh no. I cooked the baby.”

At the end of the day my baby was just fine. My active labor was just 12 minutes. The nurses joked that I was very efficient. I laughed, hugged my son and talked to him about my manuscript. Efficiency enveloped within love.

Nowadays, the risk I take everyday is just letting him grow into his own. I can provide a home, food and hugs galore throughout the day. I tell him repeatedly every day that I love him. I can pass on and role model my values. However, I can’t tell him who to be. That he will have to discover through his own adventures. I can provide a solid loving foundation but then I have to step back. There are times when I will have to let him fall. That scares me immensely but I have to take that risk so that he can be a self actualized person.

Inspired by love and the daily prompt.

6 replies »

  1. It’s interesting Mimi that at one time, in the past of course, insurance was sold on the back of clients taking ‘Reasonable steps’ to protect themselves and their families. As insurance companies would have had it, the world was filled with unknowns and risks that shouldn’t be ignored. This is why insurance companies have big buildings – the success of this selling method is in bricks and mortar.
    It now seems that everyone has caught up with this catastrophe syndrome and the money and kudos to be made is immense.
    Most things – most times actually work out quite well, it is only when we introduce un-necessary risk strategies that we begin to move toward those risks.B

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so happy I read this. I am personally, terrified of the labor process. I also like to think I will probably not have a baby. But it was interesting and really nice to gain another perspective through your experience.

    Like

    • Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I was absolutely terrified of labor. Thankfully i got through it quickly. I was talking with a few other women who have noted that they cant remember the physical pain anymore. Seems to be an evolutionarily adaptive mechanism 😉

      Like

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