Dear Mr. Stinkbug
This is not a love song. I most certainly do not love you like a love song. This is not a love letter. This is most definitely not an ode. This is also not a Taylor Swift “I once loved you but you done me wrong” ditty. As a matter of fact this is hatemail. I really do not like to use the word “hate” because my mother taught me better. However, you are surely getting on my already frayed nerves and I most certainly never loved you. And this is coming from a former longstanding vegetarian who still believes in animal rights.
Apparently you and your brethren have decided to do a full on incursion into the USA. You hitched a ride on over here from Asia and now you think you can just hang out inside our warm homes till you stink it up horrendously with your breath of fear.
With winter coming on full blast the last few weeks, I thought you would be gone. I had dearly hoped you would be gone. But no, I was sorely wrong. The weather decided to toy with our hearts and bodies and is going to be nearly 70 degrees this weekend. Global warming, global weirding, climate change. I get it. Mother nature is going to treat me like a yo-yo. One day I have to wear a full-length down coat. The next, I am wearing a mid-range jacket. And that’s just because I do get cold easily. There are others out here that have decided to wear no jacket at all. So, I am a bit miffed with the weather gods. I had thought last week’s snowfall (that inexplicably shut down Washington, DC) would be the end of the stink bug 2013 infestation. But here we are. The snow is melting at a rapid pace and there is no need for gloves or hats. And marching in, with a full-out war agenda, come the stinkbugs!
I am supposedly on vacation. Specifically a staycation. Although, you wouldn’t know it by the slew of work emails and texts I have been receiving. I was told I needed a vacation and that i must go one. However, the powers that be apparently don’t run the tight ship that I do; as I have special, magical powers. Just for clarity sake my powers entail having a brain, a sense of discipline and the ability to tell the truth so all are clear on the expectations. Enough about work. Back to you Mr stinkbug. While on staycation, I am trying to catch up on a year’s worth of chores; sorting through old documents and shredding away. There I am sorting away when I look away from my pile for just a second. I turn back, am about to pick up an envelope and there you are! In all your ickyness you stand on my envelop pretending that you are camouflaged. However, I can see you in your entire loathsome, disgusting self. I turn to my computer to work on another set of ill-conceived office directives and then I hear this buzzing in the back of me. There you are on the wall doing a creepy crawlie dance. I turn off the bedroom lights and I feel your lingering presence. I know you are somewhere up on the ceiling fan but you hide quite well. I turn the fan on at a rapid pace, but you seem to enjoy the merry go round. How? Tell me, how can I get rid of you? Do you not know that your time has come to move on? Do you not know that it is time to irritate some other folks? You can be as disruptive and subsequently oblivious to your disruptiveness elsewhere. Truly.
It is time for you to go away. You made your presence annoyingly felt. You disturbed the house equilibrium. You pretended to go away to only come back and show your true self. Know this much: at the end of the day, my In Touch magazine will smack you into toilet oblivion or you will be fed to my murderous beastie boy fish.
My sincerest distaste