identity

They like me: But who cares?

She walked through the park with great confidence. She was feeling a bit off with all the pollen in the air. Yet, she had a bounce to her step. The flowers all around her were bright and pretty. But, that was not why she had a bounce.

She had just received a grand number of accolades. Exuberance had been in the air. It was as if she was she was Sally Field at the Oscars. She had wanted to say “you like me, you really like me”. Well, facetiously so.

See, she didn’t care. She didn’t need to be liked by them to feel confident in herself. That came from knowing her self worth. That was her lifelong gift to herself. They claimed to like her. But she doubted it. And, she was ok. The flowers sure were pretty.

1 reply »

  1. SMiLes It Seems Like All the Flowers

    Not Only Like me Yet Love me When i Love Them

    And of Course i’ve Learned The True Source of Love

    How We
    See the

    World Indeed

    And More Than That
    How We Feel and Sense
    ALL of Life DarK Thru LiGHT

    Marrying the Night Makes
    The Day Seem So Flowery
    And Merry Indeed With SMiLes…

    On the Other Hand Humans Are More

    Complicated Than Flowers i’ve Crawled,
    Walked, Not Been Able to Talk, Then Talked,
    Then Even Danced And Sang in Petals We Share

    On the Other Hand i’ve Been The Tattered Fish in the
    Aquarium in School Where All the Other Fish Keep Nipping
    At What’s Left of Fins With Nothing Left to the Imagination As

    They Clearly Let You Know
    You Don’t Deserve to Exist

    True They were Mostly Cliques
    of the ‘First Baptist Church’ only
    if i could Have Been A Fetus Then

    i might Have Been Safe From Them Yet
    Probably Not as my Relative Like That Was
    Talked into Ending Her Pregnancy by Her Protestant
    Parents to Save Face in All Stuff Social Status Power And Such…

    Yep So Much About Life Becomes Different When IT HAPPENS TO YOU

    Or Sure me in the Case of All the Bully Boy Onward Marching Christians in
    School Who Spit on me Cause i Smiled And They Threatened Physical Assault if

    i Did it Again

    in Middle School
    Halls or Just at the
    City Park Smiling at
    the Beautiful Day Even
    Without Any Flowers in Sight
    Just Happy to Have A Backboard

    to Play Tennis With And Once Again
    Gain Zen Peace As Racquet, Ball, and
    Backboard i Became One With All That is in

    Meditative Autotelic Flow at 12 Years-Old Yep
    They’d Be Smiling too if they Could Generate
    All Natural Magic Mushrooms to Smoke Within Hehe

    What Can And Will i Say i Was Just All Naturally Born For REAL
    A Buddha, Or A Lao Tzu Without even A Word At Three Years
    Old Feeling Sensing i am A Leaf Naturally Feeding All of my

    Tree Falling to Soils of Forest Floors Feeding All the New Green
    Souls That Will Sprout With an Eternal Circle of Life Such A Miracle Now

    New to even

    Breathe as
    If i had Already
    Been Here Forever Now
    Yet’s It’s true if Any Part of
    That Circle of Life Had Been
    Broken Since the Beginning of All

    That Came to Create me as Just Another
    Leaf And Tree of the Forest And Ocean Whole

    i Would Not Even
    Exist to Feel and
    Sense This Great
    Experience of Heaven Now

    Then One With The Flowing River

    Before i Could Even Verbally Speak at 4

    At Age Then 3 Looking Across The River

    At the Forest As Just Another Living Leaf
    and Tree Part of the River And Forest Whole
    Just another Integral Part of All that is Forevermore Now

    That Without

    me Wouldn’t

    Even Exist for
    me to Feel and
    Sense all This Wonder Then And Now True too…

    Yet You Know What It Became So Much Harder to Sense
    Feel that Way When All the Other Bully Boy Fish Were Nipping
    At my Tattered Fins And Even Insisting That the Boy of me Was

    Really a Girl

    As How Could
    i Help that i Had
    Fair Skin And Beautiful
    Eyes and Eye Lashes And
    Hey the Other Boys Had Long Hair
    Why was it so Bad that i Wore mine Like that too…

    Isn’t That Ironic All the Christian Bully Boys Insisting
    A Boy Is A Girl And Then Later Insisting A Boy Can’t Be A Girl

    It’s True i’ve Been in A Whole Lot of Shoes in my Life i Know
    What it Feels and Senses Like to Be Marginalized That Way

    And Believe it or Not Call it Naive or Just Human the First time

    i Visited Your Blog And Saw You With 100 Likes and No Comments

    It Didn’t Seem Even Human to me Than No one Even Took the Effort

    to Say

    Hi Like
    i Do For

    Every Neighbor

    i Meet and Greet

    on My Dances Around
    my Neighborhood i Guess it Depends

    on How Big of Neighborhood one Lives in

    i Guess it Depends on Where a Person Has Been

    And How They’ve Dealt With The Issues in Life and

    Where They Are Now Like Do They Even Have Any Oxytocin

    Left That Makes it Even Feel Good Anymore to Connect to Other Humans

    Where When You Raise

    Your Hand up to Wave

    At A Stranger Passing

    By in a Car it Feels

    All Warm And

    Fuzzy And

    Human

    The Way

    We Are Just Simply
    Evolved to Be if We Aren’t
    Just Cogs in Well Oiled Machines

    Who Have Lost All Our Drive and Desire
    to Feel Warm And Human With Even A Stranger in A Car Passing By…

    i’m Really A Living Legend and i Can Say that Casually as a Public Dancer
    For 8 Years and 8 Months Now For 16,544 Miles in a Trump Deepest South State and Town…

    Yawn Yes Off and On Folks Come Up to tell me How Much They Adore me and Appreciate

    me And Even Inspired Their Desire to Live in Tough Times too Just through the Freedom

    of A Dance Even Telling me All the Way Back in 2014 When i First Started They Even Dressed

    Up like me at Halloween in Middle School And Went Tricker Treating As me then As They Installed
    my Front Door As An Adult Just Last Year as A Lowe’s Door Installer Contractor Hehe And Not only

    That After A Viral Video

    of me Went Metro

    in 2018 i got

    to the Point of

    Actual Discomfort

    As Some of the Young Folks

    Even Fell to Their knees At Public Stores and
    Clasped Their Hands And Mocked Worship to me…

    Beautiful College Age Women Squealing With Delight
    That i Was Actually Talking to them in Their Clothing Store they

    Worked at Shocked really And telling them i AM No one at all i Just

    Felt like Dancing And It’s True i Had to Work Really Hard to Even
    Talk Store Management in Allowing me to Do it As it Worked So Great
    to Regulate my Emotions And Senses For the World The Entire Environment

    Around me on the Autism Spectrum not to Overwhelm me never even Comfortable

    Before
    Age
    53

    in my
    own Damned SKin

    In the Human Made World…

    And Honestly as i still really
    never figured out how to present
    my Self Socially Even After 3 College
    Degrees only Able to Pass Out Shoes
    ‘Rentally’ as Such at the Front Counter
    at A Military Bowling Center Yet What i Could Do

    And What i Could Always Do is Never Stop Loving
    The Fact That i Was Alive at Least Then Smiling at the

    People Across the Counter i Didn’t Have to Stumble Around

    in my Speech All i Had to Do is Smile And i Always Said Thank

    You And it Felt Very Warm When They Smiled Back at me and i thought

    to myself This

    Feels like

    Heaven

    i hope

    i Get to do this

    For the Rest of My Life…

    i Don’t Give on People as i Understand

    How Horrible Life Can Get i Understand that
    Not Everyone Even Gets to Feel that Warm and

    Fuzzy Feeling inside That Naturally Drives us to even

    Have Small Talk to Share about the Weather to Enjoy

    A Real Communion

    of Warmth

    in Humanity

    This Way

    True i Lost that
    too for Many Years
    as Just a Cog Oiling

    The Machine of Society

    When Eventually i Got Attached

    to A Screen And Became More Machine than Human

    So Cold So Empty Just a Monkey Wrench Trying to fix
    A Rusty Old Machine Yet i didn’t realize a Person Could

    Lose their Soul

    Then They Never

    Told You About that
    in School They Never Even
    Really Explained How it Happens
    in Church Either And Now i Understand

    i Am Never Gonna Lose my Soul Again

    And i Understand The Way to Do that is

    Always Give even if People Disappoint me Over and

    Over For What they Might Be able to Return to me As

    i Realize From my Own Experience How Blessed i am Now

    to Even Have the Motivation and the Warm and Fuzzy Feelings

    of Humanity

    to even

    Frigging be

    Human Yet of course

    It’s Much Easier to Do And
    Dance And Sing When One is

    No Longer Required to be A Cog in a Machine to Exist…

    i Always Remember Where i Am now And Where i Came From too…

    i’m Still Despised in Some
    Places i’m Still Adored in

    Others And Most

    of the time

    It’s Just Empty

    Likes And Nothing much
    At All of Humanity That’s REAL

    Unless i Step Out of this Machine
    When my Wife Really Spends Her Every Day Life

    Life for the One Mission to Love me She Naturally Loves to Do

    Never the Less i am not one to give up on others easily as I’ve Worn

    Way too
    Many

    Shoes
    in Life Not to…

    Yep Easier to Dance
    And Sing this Now Yes

    When i Really Feel and
    Sense the Words And they
    Just aren’t Empty Detached

    Shells Laying Dead on A Beach…

    Sea Creature i Will Continue to Swim
    Ocean Whole
    Wave

    Water
    Same

    To Reach
    Out And Touch
    Sunshine Within
    Day or Night Always TWiLiGHT NeW NoW…

    Every Once in a While Someone Returns

    A Hello And Not Unlike The Military Bowling Center

    It’s Always

    Nice to
    Find Real

    Human Warmth Somewhere at Least…

    Yet i’ve Learned At this point not to Expect to
    find Humanity

    Even Where
    i Might Expect it Next…

    Yet Still Managing
    Never to Give up on it…

    Its Really Hard
    Some Days Yet
    i Breathe Yet i Really still Breathe This Life…

    And i Remember Leaves Falling to Soils Do Give Life too..:)

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