My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

A very small group of people will completely get and understand my following statement. I hate water. Well, let me rephrase. I hate drinking water. For that matter, I also hate ice cubes. Keep them away from my drinks. If I’m thirsty my thirst is quenched by soda, a Mojito or some other flavored fizzy drink. Don’t offer me milk as I find that disgusting but that is not what this rant is about today. I just don’t like drinking water.

I readily admit that I do not understand how people can say they love drinking water. It’s tasteless  (and I don’t mean in the tacky state of being our election has spiraled into). Water literally has no taste. How can that be good? How do people feel quenched by it? I like savory food and I like “savory” liquids.  Give the tasteless stuff to other people. I’m cool with that.

Though I stand tall and firm in my complete dislike of water, I am surrounded by water lovers. The horror! It amuses me that my son completely hates soda and anything fizzy and so readily loves water. I know it’s the supposed healthy drink that I am to encourage my eight year to drink. I undetstand my parenting role and thus serve him water with every meal. I just don’t get how at 8 years old, he doesn’t like sweets and prefers water to soda. It’s like I gave birth to a pod baby right from the outset. How is he my son? I can only shake my head. It’s good he is staying healthy. Just wish occasionally he would try a little bad snack. Although, he did retry Gelato this week and liked it. So, he will now consider having a spoonful on the weekends.  Progress? Oh kids. I do truly believe they come out opposite of us parents. Anyway, I digress. Back to water.

Now, while I hate drinking water,  I relish soaking my body in it. Everyday I treat myself to a bath. I’m having a bath right now while I write this. TMI?   I have my bubbles, my salts and my reading material.  I also, love long showers and I could easily spend an hour in a hot tub.  I like singing in showers and getting super red from the hot tub.  I feel like I wash out all the bad energy from my being. Nothing annoys me more than a lukewarm hot tub.  Talk about ruining ones very clearly set expectations. A lukewarm hot tub just fills me with rage. I need the water hot and I need to be in it for a while.  That is the hot tub paradise of my dreams.

I like to think my skin drinks the water my mouth won’t take in. I have to tell you, my skin is one of the softest out there. Just this past weekend, a colleague was doing my makeup for an event and noted how soft my skin was. So, all that advice to drink water to help one’s skin just never applied to me.  Water has been good to me in terms of providing me with comfort and soft skin when I lounge in it.

Now that I live in California, I have another more readily accessible water treat: the ocean. A few weeks back I got to see doggies running, playing and surfing in the ocean. Just absolutely fabulous sights to behold. Water, just like fire, can be mesmerizing, intoxicating and soothing.

I also love seeing my son play in the water. He is just thrilled beyond anything that we have a swimming pool in our building and that we can drive to the beach. My mother feared the beach. She was afraid of the water as she nearly drowned when she was a kid. That near death experience led to her numerous ghost sightings, but I digress. Well, actually I’m not digressing. I was brought up to like to drink water and to fear being caught in the water. Go figure. I came out the exact opposite of my mother. What did I tell ya?