It finally happened: I have a pink Taser and I know how to whistle

Year upon year, I always put “pink taser” on my Christmas wish list. No one ever gets me one because they are afraid that I would indeed use it. Even more important to them is that they are afraid that I would use it on them. So, loved ones just don’t even bother to take seriously my desire to have a nice pink taser that would match my pink laptop and coat.

Yesterday, however, it finally happened. I have been having some really hard days as of late. I was a bit down in the mornings although still very much my “sunny” on the outside self. I laugh, giggle and joke around.   However, I am tired from all the loud fights that occur at 3am across the yard and across the street. Yes, that is how far away the fights are occurring and how loud they are.   What I am about to say next is not even a joke. The fights have been about crack ownership. The fights are so loud, I almost want to throw money out the window and tell them that they can all have some crack. However, that would not really solve anyone’s problems, now would it?

I am also tired because of the firecrackers that get set off at midnight while people just stand around recording the incidents.   Sadly, our society is such now that when there are horrible street occurrences many will just stand around and record the incident and try to immediately post their recording on some social media website while crossing their fingers that their video gets to go viral or that CNN picks it up and then gives them a call.   It’s obviously not just on the streets. Any type of tiff on a flight nowadays leads to about half of the passengers pulling out their cell phones and hitting the record button.

Growing up I always noted that the world is my television. I am intrigued by what goes on around me and get wrapped up trying to figure out the social norms, communications and interactions. Nowadays, not only is the world everyone’s television but it is also everyone’s fame production. Andy Warhol noted in one of his exhibitions “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.”   He was so right on the money and it is now so much more than that.

We don’t only want to be famous for 15 minutes we want to mass produce those 15 minutes of fame and turn them into ongoing jokes and mantras.   Let me put it another way we all no longer want to just have those 15 minutes on the Today show, we want to be remembered for coming up with a catch phrase such as “show me the money.” We have gone from having a deep desire for fame to having a deep desire to be quoted. In particular, there is now a deep need to be quoted in 140 characters or less. We are desperate to seem pithy, witty and memorable. And that is where I am. I am fairly pithy and witty, if I can say so myself. Apparently I am memorable as well.

I often joke in tense meetings that a Taser would solve all our problems. Some people scrunch their nose at such a comment wondering if I actually desire to do bodily harm. No, I do not care to hurt anyone. The idea of a Taser, however, in its abstract form is delightful. In particular, holding on to a pink Taser just seems like such a Lauren Bacall move to me.   Imagine for a second Lauren Bacall holding onto a pink Taser as she held open the door and said “You don’t have to say anything, and you don’t have to do anything. Not a thing. Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you”

So, it finally happened. I got a pink Taser.   One of my new team members got me a pink Taser totally randomly. They had heard me talk about wanting one and they took me seriously. I squealed with utter delight.  Now in my handbag, as I walk the mean streets of San Francisco, I have a pink Taser and I know how to whistle. I couldn’t be happier.