We are now 11 days into the New Year. Can I sheepishly ask, how many New Years resolutions have you already cast aside? I made none. So, I am batting 100% in terms of resolutions kept. The Golden Globes are being broadcast tomorrow night and I am extremely excited to see not only who wins but wackiness ensues. You have to love a room filled with botoxed people who are drunk and pretending to like each other. Does this sound like anybody else’s workplace? All they need tomorrow night is for Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman’s giant rubber duck to show up. Anyhow, here are this week’s wacky people, events and soon-to-be-forgotten moments; many of which seems to have involved people who just were not thinking straight. Here’s also hoping that the champagne flows freely at the Golden Globes.
1. Ear Cockroaches. Speaking of the Golden Globes, what is that famous quote about roaches? Ah yes, Herb Caen once noted that “Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.” In this week’s wacky news, a man in Australia woke up in extreme ear agony to realize that a roach or something horrible had crawled into his ear. He then proceeded to try to vacuum it out. At this point I don’t know who is wackier, the roach or the man. He went to the doctor and eventually they got out the one-inch roach. The man notes that he experienced the roach’s death dance (well, my words). I see a future made-for-tv science fiction movie a la Sharknado coming in the near future.
2. Fossilized roach. Wait a second. The above wasn’t the quote I was thinking of. Here is the quote I wanted: “After a nuclear holocaust, all that will be left are cockroaches and Cher“. In exciting news from the widely read journal Annals of the Entomological Society of America, a new fossil gives insight into the evolution of roaches. They found fossil of 49 million years old that seem to show that a certain roach was on earth way, way earlier than previously thought and that its place of origin is the United States rather than Europe or such. All I have to say is Cher and roaches, cher and roaches! And, yes I do believe in life after love.
3. Atomic wedgies. Speaking of nuclear, in the state of Oklahoma Mr. Brad Davis was accused of killing his stepfather via the method of the atomic wedgie. Apparently, they got into an argument after a few drinks, and Mr. Davis pull the underwear over his stepfather’s head. I don’t think anyone believes this is an appropriate method of conflict resolution.
4. Aliens have the power. In the state of New Mexico, aliens are part of the state folklore, consciousness and even pride. Aliens are such a part of state pride, that Jennifer McCarthy (ex-wife of writer Cormac McCarthy) got into a severely heated argument with her boyfriend about aliens. How heated did the argument get? She allegedly pulled a handgun from her genitals to threaten him with. Forget about aliens, seems there is a new form of safe sex out there. Ok, let’s go back to the alien thing for a moment. Plane flights in Bremen, Germany were cancelled the other day because of several unidentified flying objects that appeared on radar. No one really has an explanation for what occurred up in the sky, but it was enough of a scare to give some aviation officials pause. Maybe there can be a meeting of the minds?
6. Firecracker lips. It’s amazing what people do these days for attention. Aren’t selfies enough? Obviously not. Even Kim Kardashian and Nicole Richie’s butt selfies are shocking anymore. What may be shocking? A man that clearly needs to grow up, placed firecrackers on his lip, lit them, videotaped it and posted it on the web. Actually, it is not very daring at all. It is just lame. What is wacky is that people encourage this type of behavior. I’m stepping off my podium now.
7. New form of currency. Over in Oregon, seems they may be a bit jealous over the new happenings in Colorado. You know, with pot being legal and all now. So, a couple in Oregon, allegedly went out to eat and decided to their waitress in the old-fashioned way of leaving a bag of methamphetamine. What was the street value?
8. Peanut butter. These days it seems that peanut butter gets a bad rap everywhere. It’s no longer allowed in many schools and before kindergartners can kiss each other they have to check to see if there are any trails of peanut butter. I get it. It can be deadly. I suffer from a shellfish allergy. I always have to be on the lookout for shrimp-eating individuals. In Iowa, a pair of brothers got into a knife fight over how many peanut butter sandwiches is too many? It truly is one of life’s greatest questions. I do hope they can someday bridge their philosophical divide.
9. Big Foot strikes again. Or rather, he has been struck down, killed and is ready to be paraded as such across the country. Bigfoot hunter Rick Dyer claims to have bagged the bigfoot beast and will take him on tour as proof. Hmm. I think I rather save my money and catch Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden.
10. Hexes. Speaking of a New York State of Mind. I love superstitions and reading about hexes. Luckily, I live in New York surrounded by fellow Puerto Ricans. Ms. Melissa Mark-Viverito is the newly elected NYC council leader. Besides governance, she has to also worry about a lawsuit filed against her in which it is alleged that she put a hex on her rival. Accordingly, when Ms. Mark-Viverito ordered that a rooster mural be painted on a building she was engaging in black magic against her political competitor. I cannot wait to see how this plays out in court. Maybe Carlos Santana can lend his support by playing the song Black Magic Woman during the opening statement? But that is not the only wacky political story in New York this week. No, Weiner isn’t throwing his hat (or other body parts) into the ring. The town of Pomphret, NY has a new city council member and he is a pastafarian. He was sworn in wearing a colander. Viva la pasta!
New York, I love ya!