Halloween is right around the corner. Well, it is 40 days away to be exact. That may seem like an eternity to a five-year old. To us adults, it will be here quicker than it takes Elton John to accept an invitation to perform candle in the wind for the hundredth and one time. There is much to do in preparation for such a glorious occasion. We must figure out the best costume to wear, the best event to showcase that costume, whether handcuffs are still a cutting edge accessory, and whether to bother buying candy for the diminishing number of trick or treaters.
As I contemplate my Halloween options and considerations, I do have to note I am starting to get scared. My body is getting itself ready for the haunted houses and scary clowns traipsing about.
I’ll tell you what, although I should not as that provides ammunition and fodder, I will share what has been scaring the crap out of me these days.
1. I am deathly afraid of what will happen when I flush the toilet in other people’s houses. Haven’t you ever felt a smidgen of panic, probably right after opening their medicine cabinet, when you are about to flush the toilet in someone else’s home. Do you ever fear it will flood over spreading your biological specimens all over the floor? I am telling you, it is what nightmares are made of.
2. As Halloween plans solidify, I am deathly afraid of seeing some of my co-workers in speedos that Halloween. You may just think it is totally avoidable, for parties of that sort are at night. Alas, when you work in Chelsea anything is possible in terms of work attire for Halloween. I kid you not.
3. Our phones our everything to us nowadays. We eat with them by our sides and we potty with them. I just came across a woman who was in the bathroom stall talking to her son on the cell phone. What an incredibly icky conversation to listen in on. We even sleep with them. We are obsessed with them. That, however, is not the scariest part of it all. What is the scariest part? I will tell you. It is sending an email or text message to the wrong person. Try recalling an email you wrongly sent. It is a maddening process that oftentimes ends in a major #fail. Maybe we shouldn’t try texting in our sleep.
4. As a person travels frequently for work, I am deathly afraid of food poisoning. I usually end up in the urgent care or ER once a year due to some bad food I probably should have known better to eat. As Halloween nears, that is a major concern for the night. Seriously. Candy corn and tequila do not go together as well as you think.
5. Walking and sitting about, minding my business, doing what needs to get done. That is how I pass my day. Occasionally, though, I am subjected to being hit on by a gremlin. Yes, a gremlin. They mill about all hours of the day, disrupting the work of others for their brains cannot fathom sitting and working for several hours straight. They stop by to say hi, but rarely inquire into your well-being. They just want to have your attention. And people wonder why I hide in the office restroom.
7. I ride the quiet train car to work. I like the quiet train for it serves as my moment of zen to soak in everything and nothing at all. But it surely creeps me out when a complete stranger sits next to me in the quiet car and starts to hum and rock back and forth. Nothing good can come out of that. Humming is surely the sign of the devil relishing the chance to make you his own.
8. New York City is filled with shifty-eyed creatures that scare the crap out of me. They will just jump right at you without any provocation. They will make it clearly known how inconsiderate you are as you are speedwalking your way to work. They bear their teeth at you in disgust. That’s right, I am talking about squirrels. They most definitely have an agenda in which us humans play a central role, although what that role is remains unclear. Do not take shortcuts through the squirrel circles or else you may end up with a post it on you that says “meal for 2015″.
9. I have a recurring nightmare every six months or so for the past ten years. In my nightmare I am running and running as fast as I can. Yet, eventually a big wave of water envelopes me swallowing me whole. A tsunami. Those really frighten me. Occasionally, I think about how Manhattan will one day be under water. I think of those dramatic end-of-the world movie scenes where you only see the finger tips of the statue of liberty sticking up above the water. Where Manhattan will be 20 years from now is anyone’s guess.
Well, it is time for me to get up and present and be an active contributing member of this business meeting. Now that I have frightened myself I can rock on.